FUS1ON
10-05-2002, 11:51 PM
[b:bac2086f58]Free Sex with Fill Up[/b:bac2086f58]
Two good ol' boys were driving down the road
when they noticed they needed some gas. They
started looking for a gas station when they saw
a sign that read 'Free Sex with Fill up.'
They decided to pull in and told the attendant
to, 'fill 'er up.'
After he was done the attendant went to the window
and said that it would be $18.00 for the gas.
They paid and as the attendant started to walk
away the driver yelled 'What about my free sex?'.
The attendant rolled his eyes and went to the
window and said, 'OK, but you will have to guess a
number between 1 and 10'.
The driver said, '6.'
The attendant said 'No, the answer was 3, sorry.'
As the attendant started to walk off the
passenger said, 'Give me a try.' The attendant
said 'OK.' The passenger said, '7.'
And the attendant said 'No, I told you the answer
was 3.'
The driver then sped off and the passenger
looked over and said, 'I think that game was
rigged, there is no way to win.'
To which the driver replied, 'Uh, Uh, my wife won
three times last week.'
[b:bac2086f58]Redneck 911 Emergency[/b:bac2086f58]
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
[b:bac2086f58]Deer Hunting[/b:bac2086f58]
There were these three Okies who like to go deer hunting every year. So they hire a guy to fly them to this remote forest. They all split up to do their hunting, have a successful day, and meet back at the plane each carrying a buck. Well, they loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."
Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly responded, "Don't worry about it, we caught the same amount last year, and we got off the ground no problem."
So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground. But then the plane started to make some strange noises, and it crashed in the woods.
The next thing they knew, the three men and the pilot were in the middle of the plane wreckage, but in relatively good health. One of the men asked, "Any idea where we are?"
The other man said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."
[b:bac2086f58]New Shoes[/b:bac2086f58]
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
[b:bac2086f58]Poetry Contest[/b:bac2086f58]
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first.
About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?
The clock started again and the Aggie sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
[b:bac2086f58]Redneck's Last Words[/b:bac2086f58]
What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies.
"Hey y'all watch this!"
[b:bac2086f58]Redneck wants to fight[/b:bac2086f58]
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Two good ol' boys were driving down the road
when they noticed they needed some gas. They
started looking for a gas station when they saw
a sign that read 'Free Sex with Fill up.'
They decided to pull in and told the attendant
to, 'fill 'er up.'
After he was done the attendant went to the window
and said that it would be $18.00 for the gas.
They paid and as the attendant started to walk
away the driver yelled 'What about my free sex?'.
The attendant rolled his eyes and went to the
window and said, 'OK, but you will have to guess a
number between 1 and 10'.
The driver said, '6.'
The attendant said 'No, the answer was 3, sorry.'
As the attendant started to walk off the
passenger said, 'Give me a try.' The attendant
said 'OK.' The passenger said, '7.'
And the attendant said 'No, I told you the answer
was 3.'
The driver then sped off and the passenger
looked over and said, 'I think that game was
rigged, there is no way to win.'
To which the driver replied, 'Uh, Uh, my wife won
three times last week.'
[b:bac2086f58]Redneck 911 Emergency[/b:bac2086f58]
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
[b:bac2086f58]Deer Hunting[/b:bac2086f58]
There were these three Okies who like to go deer hunting every year. So they hire a guy to fly them to this remote forest. They all split up to do their hunting, have a successful day, and meet back at the plane each carrying a buck. Well, they loaded up the plane, and as the pilot started up the engine, he said to the men, "I don't think she'll be able to get off the ground with this load."
Two of the men looked disappointed, but the third quickly responded, "Don't worry about it, we caught the same amount last year, and we got off the ground no problem."
So the pilot said OK, and the plane started down the runway, and sure enough got off the ground. But then the plane started to make some strange noises, and it crashed in the woods.
The next thing they knew, the three men and the pilot were in the middle of the plane wreckage, but in relatively good health. One of the men asked, "Any idea where we are?"
The other man said, "I don't know, but I think we're about a mile or two from where we crashed last year."
[b:bac2086f58]New Shoes[/b:bac2086f58]
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
[b:bac2086f58]Poetry Contest[/b:bac2086f58]
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first.
About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?
The clock started again and the Aggie sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
[b:bac2086f58]Redneck's Last Words[/b:bac2086f58]
What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies.
"Hey y'all watch this!"
[b:bac2086f58]Redneck wants to fight[/b:bac2086f58]
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"