Pathos
05-21-2003, 12:01 PM
==================================================
GAMEMECCA - THE MOVIE
EPISODE 3.5: Interlude at 'Mecca ==================================================
We open on REAL WORLD GAMEMECCA, where GENERAL ARIES (heroic founder of clan CF and father figure to all) is meeting the MEDIEVAL ARMY cast for next years "GAMEMECCA THE MOVIE 2: MEDIEVAL MECCIANS". He stands waiting patiently for his faithful lackey SUB COMMANDER PHOBOS to conveniently prompt him to further expand the scene for our readers.
PHOBOS: Remind this lowly subordinate why we're doing this again, sir?
ARIES: PATHOS cannot possibly meet demand. Between those who'd like a role and those he feels SHOULD have a role, there's just too many mouths to fill, not enough script, way too much guilt and ENTIRELY too much arrogance.
PHOBOS: Well sir, i'm pleased i'm off to such a good start then! I mean this is my second line already! WOOT! Must be on account of my lucky scarf..
ARIES: Not the scarf story again!
PHOBOS: Sir? You doubt the scarf story?
ARIES: Do you still maintain you stole it from an unwitting DR WHO?
PHOBOS: I sure do!
ARIES: Then yes, you could say i doubt the bloody scarf story! Now where's this army of MECCAS acting elite you've supposedly rounded up? I wanna have this baby cast by 8, our first reading in by 9, and be off to the local shelter to save those baby cockroaches from the evil children-with-no-homes by 10.
(REAL WORLD STUDIO AUDIENCE: Awww! Isn't ARIES just the NICEST guy?)
PHOBOS: They're over there, sir.
ARIES: Where? I see no [glancing down at the script in front of him] "Cut-throat Assassins" here. Oh wait, you mean they're standing behind that bunch of ragtag peasants and computer geeks?
PHOBOS: Uhh.. they kinda ARE the Cut-throat Assassins, m'lord.
ARIES (smacking his forehead): Jesus Christ, PHOBOS! Is this the best you could find?!
PHOBOS: Sorry sir, but there's a sale on at the GAMEMECCA Store and all the hero types are off getting their GAMEMECCA THONGS relined with fur.
ARIES (exhaling slowly and unclenching his teeth): Fine. They'll have to do. Introduce us..
PHOBOS: Righteo. This is their leader, WHOCARES..
WHOCARES: How do. [extracts cigarette, sparks a match alight on his spur, and smoothly inhales]
PHOBOS: The archers, TONIC and TIK..
TONIC: Hey! I'm back baby! YEAH! Before, I had a really small part. It was practically microscopic, thats what my part was. Now my part will be HUGE!
TIK (slapping TONIC upside the head): I'm just here to keep him in line. Don't mind me, i'll have no further lines.
ARIES: Archers, eh? How good are you?
TONIC: Does this answer your question? [he spins around and shoots an arrow across the hall. 100 feet away, it hits a wall and falls to the ground]
ARIES: Thats not very impressive, lad. A chimp with a violin bow and a paddlepop stick could do better.
TONIC: Oh yeah?
TONIC retrives the arrow and holds it up for all to see: at the tip of the arrow is a flea. The arrow has pierced it through the eye(singular).
ARIES: Umm... yeah, not bad.
PHOBOS: Hey, I guess that makes him an Archer De Triumph, eh!? EH? Get it, sir? Get it?! LAUGH DAMN YOU!
ARIES: PHOBOS.. have you been diagnosed?
PHOBOS (scratching behind his ear): Yes. I have lobotomised-gameshow-host humour. Ah look, here come our foot soldiers, CF's own LEON and RION, and DOA SCORCH!
RION: Hello, i am Rion.
LEON: Hello, he is Rion and i am Leon.
RION: And i am.. wait, who are you again?
LEON: I am Rion.
RION: And you are Leon?
LEON: Yes.
RION: That would make me confused.
SCORCH: What the f!uck? First i'm a HOLO-JACKET that bleeds and twitches, and now i'm a freakin' FOOT SOLDIER? I don't BELIEVE this! What makes WHOCARES leader, and me just a bloody soldier? What makes him so special?
WHOCARES (offhandedly): Do shut up, m'boy.
SCORCH (to WHOCARES): You think you're just SO cool, don't you? DON'T YOU?!
WHOCARES (shrugging): S'just how i'm written. Looks t'me like ol' PATHOS needed a "Cool archetype" and, well, here i am. Deal with it, kiddo. [cooly blows smoke in SCORCH's rage-contorted face]
SCORCH (coughing and weezing): But I'M the SPECIAL one! ME! That nibblenut PATHOS better make me something decent soon! A movie star perhaps? Yes, a legend! Adored by all!!
[SCORCH is immediately transformed into SHIRLEY TEMPLE]
SHIRLEY TEMPLE: Ha f!ucking ha.
PHOBOS: Here is our caterer, CRISM..
CRISM: Bog off, the lot of you. You bore me.
PHOBOS: Our morale officer, BLACK ROSE..
BLACK ROSE: OMG, we're going to lose, I KNOW it!
PHOBOS: Our campfire bass player, THUNDARR..
(THUNDARR mumbles something incoherent about not being mentioned till episode 3.5, and PATHOS generally being the centre of attention, REAL WORLD or otherwise)
PHOBOS: Our mascot, SOLID SNAKE..
SOLID SNAKE (turning his oversized, furry head toward THUNDARR & SHIRLEY): And you think YOU got it bad, bubs?
PHOBOS: Our backup, the Knights Who Say "Ni"..
K.W.S.N.: Ni! Ni! Ni!
PHOBOS: Several gerbils..
GERBILS: Squeek! Squeek!
PHOBOS: And DIEGO MARADONA..
DIEGO MARADONA: Hola muchachos!
PHOBOS: And, erm, that looks about it.
ARIES: Maradona? Lemme get this straight: Our "ARMY" consists of WHOCARES, TIK, TONIC, LEON, RION, BLACK ROSE, CRISM, THUNDARR, SOLID SNAKE, the Knights Who Say Ni (incidentally i am NOT paying quote-rights on that baby), some GERBILS and DIEGO-bloody-MARADONA?
PHOBOS: Yup.
DIEGO MARADONA: Si.
ARIES: Oh what-EVER! Listen up everyone, as a special treat our benefactor REAL WORLD PATHOS has allowed that you should name your army. Every good army has a name, after all! And despite that yours will too.
TIK: How bout "TIKed off"?
TONIC (muttering): I thought TIK was only going to have the one line... bloody continuity.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE: "Scorch: SERIAL killer"? GEDDIT?
THUNDARR: "Thundarr and the Smelly Bums"?
CRISM: [SELECT ALL AND DELETE]
GERBILS: Squeek! Squeek!
WHOCARES: [yawn]
ARIES [snapping his fingers]: How bout "ARIES and his ARMY"?
ALL: BRILLIANT!
LEON: And our battle cry?
BLACK ROSE: "We're the best! Wait - no we're not!!"
[General nods and cheers. The army is formed]
ARIES: And now on to-- wait! Who is that over there?
LEON: Walking here?
THUNDARR: Looking attractive and hip?
RION: It's an attractive blonde woman!
ARIES: Who's that behind her though?
SOLID SNAKE: Oh that's just REAL WORLD STATIC and REAL WORLD PATHOS..
(Everyone loses interest)
REAL WORLD STATIC: Goodness, if this was a script it would be very confusing to the reader..
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Yes.. a GOOD writer would probably add words like "REAL WORLD" to the names of all the appropriate characters..
REAL WORLD STATIC (muttering): A GOOD writer wouldn't even attempt this sh!t..
REAL WORLD PATHOS (tossing his hair): Fine! Let's just hand out these here scripts and get the hell out of MECCA.
THUNDARR (looking through the script): HEY! There's no part for me in here!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: True.
(REAL WORLD PATHOS takes out a gun, cooly turns it sideways, and blows THUNDARR off her feet)
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Just call me... THE TEXT EDITOR!
REAL WORLD STATIC: What a f!cked joke!
(REAL WORLD PATHOS shoots REAL WORLD STATIC in the kneecaps. REAL WORLD STATIC falls screaming)
ARIES (rushing to aid STATIC): You're crazy!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: And that wasn't in the script.
(REAL WORLD PATHOS takes aim and fires at ARIES, hitting his shoulder)
REAL WORLD STATIC: Oi! How come HE gets shoulder hit and I get kneecapped?
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Because you're ugly.
REAL WORLD STATIC: Oh. Of course. Silly of me to ask, really..
REAL WORLD PATHOS: And now it's time for.. THE FINAL DRAFT!
REAL WORLD STATIC: How many bad writer puns can you put in this thing?
REAL WORLD PATHOS: How many bullets can I fit in your head?
REAL WORLD STATIC: Pard-
(BANG!)
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Only the one, apparently. As for the rest of you.. i'm afraid the MEDIEVAL ARMY idea has been vetoed by the producers (and by producers i mean me). There is, i fear, only 1 spot left..
TONIC: MINE! It's mine! I call it!
EVERYONE ELSE: Like HELL!
(With the combatants snarling menacingly, we switch to BATTLE-CAM and our two commentators - DOA GOOBLES and OUTLAWS TERMINATHARE! A round of applause please..)
GOOBLES: Thank you, thank you. Yes TERM, its a splendid afternoon, I think we're going to see a terrific round of carnage today.
TERMINATHARE: Indeed! I'm looking forward to a top quality bloodbath, as the disgruntled MECCIANS face off for a role in GAMEMECCA - THE MOVIE 2!
GOOBLES: Face off? Sounds kinky, TERM..
TERMINATHARE: Shut your pie hole, GOOBER. Referee REAL WORLD PATHOS blows the whistle... and the game is on! Whoa! SOLID SNAKE immediately approaches TONIC and slices all his limbs off in one masterful stroke! Am-az-ing!
GOOBLES: Looks like SHIRLEY TEMPLE is approaching CRISM... oh and she pokes him with her sword! CRISM is... I don't believe this, folks! CRISM is deflating like an oversized balloon! He's soaring over the battleground making amusing fart noises!
TERMINATHARE: Unbelieveable! And what's this? A Police Box just materialised on the battleground! DR WHO steps out! He's approaching PHOBOS... he snatches the scarf from around his neck, and punches him in the face! I don't believe this!
GOOBLES: Look at TONIC, folks, just look at TONIC... no arms, no legs, but he's managed to clamp onto SOLID SNAKE's hand, and is trying to gnaw off his strafe-left finger!
TERMINATHARE: Marvellous! Simply Marvellous..
(The scene degenerates as we pan across to REAL WORLD PATHOS, chuckling to himself)
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Oh, by the way... guys?
ALL (pausing mid death blows): YEAH?
REAL WORLD PATHOS: I'm afraid the role has been filled. The director has chosen to shanghai the scene for himself. Of course, by director i mean me..
(Silence. In the distance, a pin drops, a baby screams, and HIGH PING CAMPER gapes from his corner)
BLACK ROSE & SHIRLEY: Girly GUY-BASH powers - ACTIVATE!!
DIEGO MARADONA (in a thick spanish accent): You will be dying now, senior.
WHOCARES: GET-
LEON: -HIM!
(Fade out on a BENNY HILL-esque scene as REAL WORLD PATHOS, giggling like a schoolgirl, is chased around the once proud HALL OF MECCA by all and sundry. Hell even the GERBILS look pissed off..)
.nataS fo lliW eht si ti fI .deunitnoC eB oT
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GameMecca - The Movie: Episode IV: Coming Soon...
(For real this time.. no, seriously!)
GAMEMECCA - THE MOVIE
EPISODE 3.5: Interlude at 'Mecca ==================================================
We open on REAL WORLD GAMEMECCA, where GENERAL ARIES (heroic founder of clan CF and father figure to all) is meeting the MEDIEVAL ARMY cast for next years "GAMEMECCA THE MOVIE 2: MEDIEVAL MECCIANS". He stands waiting patiently for his faithful lackey SUB COMMANDER PHOBOS to conveniently prompt him to further expand the scene for our readers.
PHOBOS: Remind this lowly subordinate why we're doing this again, sir?
ARIES: PATHOS cannot possibly meet demand. Between those who'd like a role and those he feels SHOULD have a role, there's just too many mouths to fill, not enough script, way too much guilt and ENTIRELY too much arrogance.
PHOBOS: Well sir, i'm pleased i'm off to such a good start then! I mean this is my second line already! WOOT! Must be on account of my lucky scarf..
ARIES: Not the scarf story again!
PHOBOS: Sir? You doubt the scarf story?
ARIES: Do you still maintain you stole it from an unwitting DR WHO?
PHOBOS: I sure do!
ARIES: Then yes, you could say i doubt the bloody scarf story! Now where's this army of MECCAS acting elite you've supposedly rounded up? I wanna have this baby cast by 8, our first reading in by 9, and be off to the local shelter to save those baby cockroaches from the evil children-with-no-homes by 10.
(REAL WORLD STUDIO AUDIENCE: Awww! Isn't ARIES just the NICEST guy?)
PHOBOS: They're over there, sir.
ARIES: Where? I see no [glancing down at the script in front of him] "Cut-throat Assassins" here. Oh wait, you mean they're standing behind that bunch of ragtag peasants and computer geeks?
PHOBOS: Uhh.. they kinda ARE the Cut-throat Assassins, m'lord.
ARIES (smacking his forehead): Jesus Christ, PHOBOS! Is this the best you could find?!
PHOBOS: Sorry sir, but there's a sale on at the GAMEMECCA Store and all the hero types are off getting their GAMEMECCA THONGS relined with fur.
ARIES (exhaling slowly and unclenching his teeth): Fine. They'll have to do. Introduce us..
PHOBOS: Righteo. This is their leader, WHOCARES..
WHOCARES: How do. [extracts cigarette, sparks a match alight on his spur, and smoothly inhales]
PHOBOS: The archers, TONIC and TIK..
TONIC: Hey! I'm back baby! YEAH! Before, I had a really small part. It was practically microscopic, thats what my part was. Now my part will be HUGE!
TIK (slapping TONIC upside the head): I'm just here to keep him in line. Don't mind me, i'll have no further lines.
ARIES: Archers, eh? How good are you?
TONIC: Does this answer your question? [he spins around and shoots an arrow across the hall. 100 feet away, it hits a wall and falls to the ground]
ARIES: Thats not very impressive, lad. A chimp with a violin bow and a paddlepop stick could do better.
TONIC: Oh yeah?
TONIC retrives the arrow and holds it up for all to see: at the tip of the arrow is a flea. The arrow has pierced it through the eye(singular).
ARIES: Umm... yeah, not bad.
PHOBOS: Hey, I guess that makes him an Archer De Triumph, eh!? EH? Get it, sir? Get it?! LAUGH DAMN YOU!
ARIES: PHOBOS.. have you been diagnosed?
PHOBOS (scratching behind his ear): Yes. I have lobotomised-gameshow-host humour. Ah look, here come our foot soldiers, CF's own LEON and RION, and DOA SCORCH!
RION: Hello, i am Rion.
LEON: Hello, he is Rion and i am Leon.
RION: And i am.. wait, who are you again?
LEON: I am Rion.
RION: And you are Leon?
LEON: Yes.
RION: That would make me confused.
SCORCH: What the f!uck? First i'm a HOLO-JACKET that bleeds and twitches, and now i'm a freakin' FOOT SOLDIER? I don't BELIEVE this! What makes WHOCARES leader, and me just a bloody soldier? What makes him so special?
WHOCARES (offhandedly): Do shut up, m'boy.
SCORCH (to WHOCARES): You think you're just SO cool, don't you? DON'T YOU?!
WHOCARES (shrugging): S'just how i'm written. Looks t'me like ol' PATHOS needed a "Cool archetype" and, well, here i am. Deal with it, kiddo. [cooly blows smoke in SCORCH's rage-contorted face]
SCORCH (coughing and weezing): But I'M the SPECIAL one! ME! That nibblenut PATHOS better make me something decent soon! A movie star perhaps? Yes, a legend! Adored by all!!
[SCORCH is immediately transformed into SHIRLEY TEMPLE]
SHIRLEY TEMPLE: Ha f!ucking ha.
PHOBOS: Here is our caterer, CRISM..
CRISM: Bog off, the lot of you. You bore me.
PHOBOS: Our morale officer, BLACK ROSE..
BLACK ROSE: OMG, we're going to lose, I KNOW it!
PHOBOS: Our campfire bass player, THUNDARR..
(THUNDARR mumbles something incoherent about not being mentioned till episode 3.5, and PATHOS generally being the centre of attention, REAL WORLD or otherwise)
PHOBOS: Our mascot, SOLID SNAKE..
SOLID SNAKE (turning his oversized, furry head toward THUNDARR & SHIRLEY): And you think YOU got it bad, bubs?
PHOBOS: Our backup, the Knights Who Say "Ni"..
K.W.S.N.: Ni! Ni! Ni!
PHOBOS: Several gerbils..
GERBILS: Squeek! Squeek!
PHOBOS: And DIEGO MARADONA..
DIEGO MARADONA: Hola muchachos!
PHOBOS: And, erm, that looks about it.
ARIES: Maradona? Lemme get this straight: Our "ARMY" consists of WHOCARES, TIK, TONIC, LEON, RION, BLACK ROSE, CRISM, THUNDARR, SOLID SNAKE, the Knights Who Say Ni (incidentally i am NOT paying quote-rights on that baby), some GERBILS and DIEGO-bloody-MARADONA?
PHOBOS: Yup.
DIEGO MARADONA: Si.
ARIES: Oh what-EVER! Listen up everyone, as a special treat our benefactor REAL WORLD PATHOS has allowed that you should name your army. Every good army has a name, after all! And despite that yours will too.
TIK: How bout "TIKed off"?
TONIC (muttering): I thought TIK was only going to have the one line... bloody continuity.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE: "Scorch: SERIAL killer"? GEDDIT?
THUNDARR: "Thundarr and the Smelly Bums"?
CRISM: [SELECT ALL AND DELETE]
GERBILS: Squeek! Squeek!
WHOCARES: [yawn]
ARIES [snapping his fingers]: How bout "ARIES and his ARMY"?
ALL: BRILLIANT!
LEON: And our battle cry?
BLACK ROSE: "We're the best! Wait - no we're not!!"
[General nods and cheers. The army is formed]
ARIES: And now on to-- wait! Who is that over there?
LEON: Walking here?
THUNDARR: Looking attractive and hip?
RION: It's an attractive blonde woman!
ARIES: Who's that behind her though?
SOLID SNAKE: Oh that's just REAL WORLD STATIC and REAL WORLD PATHOS..
(Everyone loses interest)
REAL WORLD STATIC: Goodness, if this was a script it would be very confusing to the reader..
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Yes.. a GOOD writer would probably add words like "REAL WORLD" to the names of all the appropriate characters..
REAL WORLD STATIC (muttering): A GOOD writer wouldn't even attempt this sh!t..
REAL WORLD PATHOS (tossing his hair): Fine! Let's just hand out these here scripts and get the hell out of MECCA.
THUNDARR (looking through the script): HEY! There's no part for me in here!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: True.
(REAL WORLD PATHOS takes out a gun, cooly turns it sideways, and blows THUNDARR off her feet)
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Just call me... THE TEXT EDITOR!
REAL WORLD STATIC: What a f!cked joke!
(REAL WORLD PATHOS shoots REAL WORLD STATIC in the kneecaps. REAL WORLD STATIC falls screaming)
ARIES (rushing to aid STATIC): You're crazy!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: And that wasn't in the script.
(REAL WORLD PATHOS takes aim and fires at ARIES, hitting his shoulder)
REAL WORLD STATIC: Oi! How come HE gets shoulder hit and I get kneecapped?
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Because you're ugly.
REAL WORLD STATIC: Oh. Of course. Silly of me to ask, really..
REAL WORLD PATHOS: And now it's time for.. THE FINAL DRAFT!
REAL WORLD STATIC: How many bad writer puns can you put in this thing?
REAL WORLD PATHOS: How many bullets can I fit in your head?
REAL WORLD STATIC: Pard-
(BANG!)
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Only the one, apparently. As for the rest of you.. i'm afraid the MEDIEVAL ARMY idea has been vetoed by the producers (and by producers i mean me). There is, i fear, only 1 spot left..
TONIC: MINE! It's mine! I call it!
EVERYONE ELSE: Like HELL!
(With the combatants snarling menacingly, we switch to BATTLE-CAM and our two commentators - DOA GOOBLES and OUTLAWS TERMINATHARE! A round of applause please..)
GOOBLES: Thank you, thank you. Yes TERM, its a splendid afternoon, I think we're going to see a terrific round of carnage today.
TERMINATHARE: Indeed! I'm looking forward to a top quality bloodbath, as the disgruntled MECCIANS face off for a role in GAMEMECCA - THE MOVIE 2!
GOOBLES: Face off? Sounds kinky, TERM..
TERMINATHARE: Shut your pie hole, GOOBER. Referee REAL WORLD PATHOS blows the whistle... and the game is on! Whoa! SOLID SNAKE immediately approaches TONIC and slices all his limbs off in one masterful stroke! Am-az-ing!
GOOBLES: Looks like SHIRLEY TEMPLE is approaching CRISM... oh and she pokes him with her sword! CRISM is... I don't believe this, folks! CRISM is deflating like an oversized balloon! He's soaring over the battleground making amusing fart noises!
TERMINATHARE: Unbelieveable! And what's this? A Police Box just materialised on the battleground! DR WHO steps out! He's approaching PHOBOS... he snatches the scarf from around his neck, and punches him in the face! I don't believe this!
GOOBLES: Look at TONIC, folks, just look at TONIC... no arms, no legs, but he's managed to clamp onto SOLID SNAKE's hand, and is trying to gnaw off his strafe-left finger!
TERMINATHARE: Marvellous! Simply Marvellous..
(The scene degenerates as we pan across to REAL WORLD PATHOS, chuckling to himself)
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Oh, by the way... guys?
ALL (pausing mid death blows): YEAH?
REAL WORLD PATHOS: I'm afraid the role has been filled. The director has chosen to shanghai the scene for himself. Of course, by director i mean me..
(Silence. In the distance, a pin drops, a baby screams, and HIGH PING CAMPER gapes from his corner)
BLACK ROSE & SHIRLEY: Girly GUY-BASH powers - ACTIVATE!!
DIEGO MARADONA (in a thick spanish accent): You will be dying now, senior.
WHOCARES: GET-
LEON: -HIM!
(Fade out on a BENNY HILL-esque scene as REAL WORLD PATHOS, giggling like a schoolgirl, is chased around the once proud HALL OF MECCA by all and sundry. Hell even the GERBILS look pissed off..)
.nataS fo lliW eht si ti fI .deunitnoC eB oT
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GameMecca - The Movie: Episode IV: Coming Soon...
(For real this time.. no, seriously!)