OUTLAWS CHICO
06-18-2003, 03:42 PM
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the
wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my
old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here
or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As! Ever.'"
Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The
husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and
storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated
husband
says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt
pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and
asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says,
"Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta
tell me
why you loo! k inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to
look
good, then I know it's time to go home."
MARRIAGE (PART VI)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told
her
she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she
engage in
sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the
doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his
wife
needed sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal.
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on
Fridays,
she'll have to take the bus."
MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the
bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of
golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she
whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my
old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here
or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As! Ever.'"
Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
MARRIAGE (PART III)
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The
husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and
storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated
husband
says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
MARRIAGE (PART V)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt
pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and
asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says,
"Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta
tell me
why you loo! k inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to
look
good, then I know it's time to go home."
MARRIAGE (PART VI)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told
her
she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she
engage in
sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the
doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his
wife
needed sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal.
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on
Fridays,
she'll have to take the bus."
MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the
bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of
golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she
whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"