MOM

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Subject: Court Dialogue...

THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your Bookie.


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From a defendant representing himself . . .
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.


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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.


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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth,
too.


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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.


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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around
and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder
than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled
a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was
filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's

motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.


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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name --
not a damn thing.


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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say
in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?


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Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bit@#, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bit@#?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bit@#.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

WARNING . . . Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee
have any solutions for these yet!!!

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old
floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.

The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.


The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be
back.

AND THE FAVORITE .

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy .
. . then discards it through Windows

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C.
travel agent of 30+ years:

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information.
She interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response .......(click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had an hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination on tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York"
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,!
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why the government is in the shape that it's in!

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

..................Alligator Shoes....................

Another blonde joke
The
Great Blonde Gator Hunter!
.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several
more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and
frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes
either!"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful,blood
curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only
someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The
old lady looks a little
uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later,
there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God,"says the old lady,
"now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just
having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the
old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there,"says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've
already got the holes for that.
===========
A 6 yr old boy went to his Mother one day and asked her, "Mommy, Where
did I come from?" His Mother, deciding it was about time, took him into
the bedroom, pulled down her panties and pointed to her self " This is
where you came from , Johnny" Johnny was quite satisfied and went
outside to play. While he was in the front yard he started to skip about
and was singing, "Boy, am I lucky..... Boy, am I lucky" His friend
noticed his extreme joy, and inquired, "Why are you Lucky?" Johnny
replied, " Another two inches and I would be a Turd"

[Grimmy]

:rofl: Good ones Chico! :thumbs: