OUTLAWS CHICO
10-18-2003, 06:57 PM
Subject: Autopsy Class, Too Funny!
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first
anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table
with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is
that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do
the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out,
hesitated
for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
butt
of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger
and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
------------------------------------------
A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds,
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you
ever eaten pork?"To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did
succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading A while later, the
Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement
of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied,
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked
him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The
Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for
about five minutes and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?"
============
A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he
is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and
takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after
another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He
says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my
teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."
============
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his neck.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened."Well, it
was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with
my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I
walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it-stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?"
asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!". I don't remember much after that.
============
My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that
he'd go to church on Sunday and sit in the back. During the service he
would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On
Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the
10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking
out he went to talk to the minister. He said to the minister, "Father, I
came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after
hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The
minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach
thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My uncle responded,
"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I
remembered where I left my hat."
============
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the
two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to
assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second
guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This
time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones
and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first
guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
-------------------------------------------
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making
several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest
episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly,
however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his
ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with
the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood
there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had
witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the
heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied,
"I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
*** HAPPY HALLOWEEN ***
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first
anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table
with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is
that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do
the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out,
hesitated
for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
butt
of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger
and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
------------------------------------------
A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds,
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you
ever eaten pork?"To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did
succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading A while later, the
Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement
of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied,
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked
him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The
Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for
about five minutes and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?"
============
A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he
is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and
takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after
another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He
says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my
teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."
============
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his neck.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened."Well, it
was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with
my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I
walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it-stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?"
asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!". I don't remember much after that.
============
My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that
he'd go to church on Sunday and sit in the back. During the service he
would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On
Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the
10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking
out he went to talk to the minister. He said to the minister, "Father, I
came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after
hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The
minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach
thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My uncle responded,
"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I
remembered where I left my hat."
============
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the
two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to
assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second
guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This
time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones
and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first
guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
-------------------------------------------
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making
several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest
episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly,
however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his
ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with
the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood
there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had
witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the
heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied,
"I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost."
*** HAPPY HALLOWEEN ***