Jokes

[UZI]

Ran across a good old one, and a few new ones.

Trying to sensor some for the young ones.

Post some of your own. This one is for all of us working stiffs.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the A-hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the A-hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the A-hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the crap.
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any A-hole will do

[UZI]

This is for you gamblers

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

[UZI]

Rednecks

You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!

[UZI]

Saddam haters.

America has finally captured Saddam Hussein!
They sprayed a field with Viagra, and the prick stood up!

[UZI]

Since it is Sunday

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

[UZI]

Blondes

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

[UZI]

In honor of Michael Jackson

Knock Knock

Who's There

Little boy blue


Little boy blue who


Michael Jackson

[UZI]

Living in the South. 40 Statements you will never hear us Southerners say:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
:drink:

[UZI]

I meant to say

Let's hear some, not here some. OOOOOOPPPPSSSSS

[Fantum309]

:w00t: :rofl: Some of those are a riot!

[EXEcution]

:rofl:

[Sexyjess]

:rofl:

[Jesse James]

I like the blonde one. I got a couple of jokes about blondes.

Q: What do a turtle and a blonde have in commen?
A: They both get screwed when they are on their back. :angel:

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankels warm. :w00t:

[C2H5OH Guy]

:rofl:

[Caged Anger]

lol, like the redneck one. Let's hear some more!!!

[UZI]

Redneck Computer Lingo

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

[UZI]

Q: What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?



A: A family reunion.



Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankels warm. 

Great one LazerRage :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[UZI]

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth

[OUTLAWS Dixie Chick]

:rolf1:

[Thundarr]

:rofl: :rofl:

[Asian Invasian]

i have one some of you might of heard and btw PLZ no one take this offensively i am not trying to offend anyone but if i do im sry :bandhead:

What Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

:lol:

[Jesse James]

That's good! But you missed one.


Your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts? :shifty:

[UZI]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Thundarr]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are still in
the driveway, his curiosity is cut short when Bob the homeowner comes
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night", the Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually the party was Saturday night -
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We
had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Holiday
Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around
midnight we started playing WHO AM I?"

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "I don't think I've ever played
that, how is that played?" Between hung-over gasps Bob explains: "...well all the guys go into a bedroom, completely disrobe, and then each guy goes out one at time with a sheet completely covering him and only his 'unit' showing through a
hole in the sheet. The women then try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says; "Damn, that sounds hilarious, I'm sorry I
missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "...your name was guessed
four or five times."

[UZI]

OK. My son said I should post this one.

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: Because he plays with Pooh

[UZI]

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

[UZI]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[UZI]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are still in
the driveway, his curiosity is cut short when Bob the homeowner comes
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night", the Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually the party was Saturday night -
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We
had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Holiday
Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around
midnight we started playing WHO AM I?"

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "I don't think I've ever played
that, how is that played?" Between hung-over gasps Bob explains: "...well all the guys go into a bedroom, completely disrobe, and then each guy goes out one at time with a sheet completely covering him and only his 'unit' showing through a
hole in the sheet. The women then try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says; "Damn, that sounds hilarious, I'm sorry I
missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "...your name was guessed
four or five times."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Great one Thundarr

[Thundarr]

Yours too UZI, .. Heh, heh BEANS! :devil: