8000!!!!!!!

[JIMINATOR]

damn long way to go....

[JIMINATOR]

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He wondered why they thought he grumpy. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother."

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.

He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad.

He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

[JIMINATOR]

Q: Whats the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

[JIMINATOR]

Ways To Handle Stress
Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.
Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.
Lie on your back eating celery... using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.

[JIMINATOR]

Redneck Etiquette
Redneck Driving Etiquette
--------------------------------
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Redneck Personal Hygiene
--------------------------------
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Redneck Dining Out
--------------------------------
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
-----------------------------------------
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
-----------------------------------------
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette
-----------------------------------------
What¹s the theater? Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette
-----------------------------------
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasion
--------------------------------------------
Never take a beer to a job interview It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

[JIMINATOR]

The Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem....

[JIMINATOR]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[JIMINATOR]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to sent it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95

[C2H5OH Guy]

DAMN YOU´RE CRAZY :P

[JIMINATOR]

This guy was sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy.

His friend arrives and sits down beside him.

"Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend.

"Oh its my wifie, she beats me at everything we compete at.

Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards.....everything."

The friend orders a beer and pauses to think.

"I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest!" he exclaims.

"Surely you can out distance her on that....do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference."

"Ok, I'll do it."

So home he goes and says to the wife, "I challenge you to a distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark".

So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest.

After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Next hubby steps up, drops his drawers, grabs his meat when the wife says, "Ah! Dear, No Hands!"

[JIMINATOR]

One day at the end of class, the teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then include the moral of that story... The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Suzy raises her and...,"My Daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." "Well done, Suzy.

Now who wants to go next?" Asked the teacher.

Lucy quickly raises her hand. "Well, my Dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." "And the moral?" asked the teacher. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Excellent, Lucy" replied the teacher. Then the teacher said, "Who's next?"

Billy jumps up. "When my Dad was a Green Beret and fought in the Vietnam War, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He was able to jump out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then, he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks at Billy with a shocked expression and says, "My goodness Billy. Can there possibly be a moral to this story?" Billy replies, "Yes... Don't **** with my Dad when he's been drinking."

[JIMINATOR]

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. Whenhe arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, beautiful woman during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone.

"He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8.

Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my OWN time??"

[JIMINATOR]

Four Nuns were standing before the Cardinal one day for a public confession. The Cardinal asked the first Nun what her sin was. She replied, Sir please forgive me, but I saw a man's penis. The Cardinal said, no problem, wash out your eyes with holy water and be cleansed. The second Nun's confession was that she touched a man's penis. The Cardinal said, no problem, wash your hands with holy water and be clean again. At this point the Nun at the end of the line cursed and started to walk away. The Cardinal called after her, "sister, what seems to be the problem?" The Nun turned around, pointed to the third Nun and said "If you think I'm going to gargle that stuff after she dips her butt in it, your crazy!!"

[JIMINATOR]

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so mad I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one!"

The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale.

"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought wow, this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested? I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!

"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes!

But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone starts fumbling with the door.

"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!'

"So, I opened up the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been sleeping with now?'

The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.'

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say 'What's that over there by the window?'

I think 'I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have made me mad for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really made me mad."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you mad?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only 5 inches off the ground!"

[JIMINATOR]

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

[JIMINATOR]

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife, thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet, goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 beans and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice.

The guy is delighted.

One day Guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one wing. Guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began kissing her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what happened? What happened?!" says the frantic guy. I don't know," says the Parrot, "That's when I got a woody and fell off my perch."

[JIMINATOR]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[JIMINATOR]

No.1 said "I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel"

No.2 replied, "How lucky for you. Mines still alive."

[JIMINATOR]

This old timer is setting on the porch of a saloon. A cowboy comes riding up and hitches his horse to the post, walks behind the horse and kisses its ass. The old timer looks in amazement and says, "Hey Cowboy why the hell did ya' kiss your horse's ass?"

Cowboy: "Well, I have chapped lips"

Old Timer: "So are ya' sayin' that will cure chap lips?"

Cowboy: "Nope ... but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

[JIMINATOR]

One day a man got home from work, and heard a voice. The voice told him that he must quit his job, sell his house, take all the money and go to Vegas. This voice troubled the man immensely, but he carried on with his everyday life, as normal. The next day the man got home from work, and again he heard this voice.

Quit your job, sell your house, and take the money and go to Vegas. He was still very worried what this voice meant and that night he thought long and hard on what he should do. The next day, once the man had come home from work. Still this voice was haunting him. Quit your job, sell your house, and take the money and go to Vegas. The man stood firm, and told the voice that he was going to stay with his job, and keep his house and money. The next day the man came ome early, still worrying about the voice. When he walked in his front door, there the voice was said , quit your job, sell your house, and take the money and go to Vegas.

The man thought that the only way to get rid of this voice, was to do as it said, as much as he didn't want to it would have stopped the voice haunting him. Things might of turned out better. So, he quit his job, sold his house and took his money and went to Vegas. Once he got off the plane the voice told him to go to the flamingo. (Casino ) So the man took a cab to the flamingo, went inside and the voice told him to go to the roulette machine, and put all his money on number 17. The man was very dubious about this, but did as the voice said. He cashed all his money in for chips, and went to the roulette machine to put every single cent he owned on the number 17. The croupier wished him the best of luck and spun the wheel. The ball bounced around furiously, skipping from one groove to the next.

The man was holding thumbs. As the roulette machine slowed down, the ball hoped past 17 several times.

The wheel finally stopped. There the ball sat in number..21

The voice said:

DAMN

[EXEcution]

:rofl:
GIVE UP PHENOM!

[PimpDaddy]

Gonna have to bookmark this Page......Good ones Jim :thumbs:

[JIMINATOR]

I r teh :loser:

[JIMINATOR]

I need to have asian log in on my account

[JIMINATOR]

he could hook me up fast!! :devil:

[JIMINATOR]

and then maybe I wouldn't lag kill him so much... :hmmm:

[JIMINATOR]

NOT!!! :devil:

[EXEcution]

:lol:!!

[JIMINATOR]

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!"

True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

"But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant.

"If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?".

"Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist, bam, bam, bam. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

"Ralph, open your mouth!" Bam, bam, bam. And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his penis and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps.

"Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE!" Bam, bam, bam. As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guy's penis off.

The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth!" Bam, bam, bam, and the alligator's mouth opens wide again.

"There," says the man to the crowd, "now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard".

[JIMINATOR]

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[JIMINATOR]

Four blondes walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and ask the bartender for 4 shots. They raise their glasses and say "51 days!" and down the drinks. They ask the bartender for another round. They raise their glasses and say "51 days!" and down their drinks. They ask for a third round.

The bartender says "Excuse me ladies, but if you don't mind my asking, what does 51 days mean?"

One of them answers, "We got a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said 2-4 years, and we did it in just 51 days."

[JIMINATOR]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

[JIMINATOR]

Heard about this burglar the other day...this is the way it happened.

A burglar had broken into a house late at night, total darkness. He was working his way through the house making no noise when he heard a voice. He stopped and listened for awhile and heard nothing. He continued his journey through the rooms looking for the one with all the "goodies" when he heard a voice again, this time he could faintly understand it, the voice said "I see you and Jesus sees you".

This put the burglar off guard and he just froze, waiting to see what would happen. Nothing, the burglar heard nothing for some time and resumed his search. Just then he heard the voice again, much louder this time, it said "I see you and Jesus sees you". This was puzzling to the burglar and he was about equally curious and scared, so he began working his way toward the voice. He entered another room and a voice in the room said "I see you and Jesus sees you".

This scared the hell out of the burglar and he just stood there motionless for about five minutes and heard no further noises. He then felt around and found a light switch and turned it on. There was a large bird cage with a parrot sitting in it. The parrot looked at the burglar and said "I see you and Jesus sees you". The burglar just grinned and went to work filling his bag and left the light in the room on. He had his bag about half full when he turned to look at the parrot again, this time he noticed that a Doberman Pincher was laying under the table that the bird cage was on. The parrot stared at the burglar and then said "Sick'em Jesus".

[JIMINATOR]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens, and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word Randy strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself." But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[JIMINATOR]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[JIMINATOR]

A farmer got a good deal on a dozen pigs at an auction. When he got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his neighbor to see if he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed and so the farmer loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbors pigs.

That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor "How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?" The neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that he could just tell. So next morning he went and checked his pigs and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the neighbors again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them back.

Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife "Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting different." She looked out the window and said "well I don't know how different you mean but 11 of them are in the back of the truck and one is in the front honking the horn!!!!!"

[JIMINATOR]

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

[JIMINATOR]

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

[JIMINATOR]

An immigrant comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He downs one, engages is casual conversations with the bartender,eventually finishing the other two.

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The immigrant replies, "No,I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers who are in the old country now. This represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender understands this so he continues to set them up as requested.

This goes on for several months and then one day, the lad comes in and orders TWO shots. Well, this worried the bartender as he thought maybe something had happened to one of the brothers.

"Is everything alright?" the bartender asked.

"What do you mean?" replied the immigrant.

"Well, all these months you have been ordering three shots and today you ordered only two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"No," the immigrant replied. "They're both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."

[JIMINATOR]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the Safeway supermarket anymore either."

[JIMINATOR]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

[JIMINATOR]

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

[JIMINATOR]

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

[JIMINATOR]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Asian Invasian]

:wave: hey a lot of jokes too much to read

[JIMINATOR]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[JIMINATOR]

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time.

He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

[JIMINATOR]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeeper. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

[JIMINATOR]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

[JIMINATOR]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[JIMINATOR]

TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my DAD.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You ugly dork.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you're in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off the likes of you or I'd rather be gang raped by midgets or I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)

1. Let's be friends.

(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

[JIMINATOR]

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white ?
So they can tell if they're coming or going.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

[JIMINATOR]

The woman's guide to what a man is really saying...
"I'm hungry."
I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy."
I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired."
I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?"
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?"
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?"
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?"
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!"
Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage."
I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?"
I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?"
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?"
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored."
Do you want to have sex?

"I love you."
Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too."
Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk."
I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"WIll you marry me?"
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping)

"I like that one better."
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together."
I am gay.

[JIMINATOR]

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

"Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad.

[JIMINATOR]

Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said “my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect”. “Great” said the teacher.

Michael got up and said “ my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife”. Good said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: “My Mommy, she is a substitute”. Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, “you mean she is a Prostitute”.

“No”. Said Johnny, “my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes”.

[JIMINATOR]

One afternoon, little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not. Only grown women can be mommies."

Little Johnny thought for a moment, said "Okay, thanks mom", then ran back outside. His mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[JIMINATOR]

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "and what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."

[Grimmy]

you spammer! :P

[JIMINATOR]

Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says "hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"

The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy"

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and then says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".

"That's right" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

[JIMINATOR]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began swatting them in his temper tantrum. His mother caught him swatting and smashing the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny wondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His mother again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, while Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and he was talking with her in the kitchen, Johnny's father came home in a foul mood. The family cat was laying on the rug in the hall way when the father yelled "%$&*% pussycat, get out of my way!" With that he kicked the pussy cat. Johnny's father looked up to find Johnny and his mother standing there watching him.

Johnny after a brief moment of thought said, "Are you going to tell him mom, or do you want me to?"

[Asian Invasian]

Seriously Jim

[Asian Invasian]

this is your new spam thread

[JIMINATOR]

:devil:

[Asian Invasian]

and your almost there too

[Asian Invasian]

Man im tired and i just uploaded my movie

[Asian Invasian]

and everyone gets to watch it tommorow cuz it needs one more thing

[Asian Invasian]

so when EXE gets here in the morning he will host it

[Asian Invasian]

Hope everyone like it too :thumbs: im going to bed have fun all

[JIMINATOR]

well, gnite asian, ggz with you today.
must be damn frustrating playing with your setup....
especially considering how bad it was for the rest of us.

[Asian Invasian]

yup i was mad i got f9 9/10 games and it sucked also nice avatar lol :thumbs:

[JIMINATOR]

135!!! 135!!! surely I can come up with 135 things to post...

[JIMINATOR]

or not, hell with it, i am going to bed

[JIMINATOR]

i never said 8000 today... :oooo:

[Asian Invasian]

ya u did :rolleyes:

[PimpDaddy]

You can do it Jim......

[UZI]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Good ones Jim.

:thumbs:

[Thundarr]

Whew, long thread of :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[PimpDaddy]

:wave: Jim-bo

[JIMINATOR]

I think I can! I think I can!!

[JIMINATOR]

I know I can!! I know I can!!

[JIMINATOR]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

[JIMINATOR]

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

[Scorch]

Jim you must stop haunting yourself :devil:

[JIMINATOR]

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

(BAD ROBOT!!)

[JIMINATOR]

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....Tucky Fried Chicken"

[JIMINATOR]

Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!

[JIMINATOR]

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

[JIMINATOR]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[JIMINATOR]

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little bastards front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[JIMINATOR]

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

[JIMINATOR]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary, Who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD almighty!" she yelled. "Very good!" the teacher said as Mary went back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked "Who is our LORD and savior?" But once again Mary didn't stir.

Once again Johnny came to her rescue. "Jesus Christ" Mary said, then fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked Mary a third question "What did Eve say to Adam after their twenty-third child?"

And once again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and said "if you stick that damn thing up me one more time I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

[JIMINATOR]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[JIMINATOR]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow... "com-for-da-bul"!

[JIMINATOR]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

Joe walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in he mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought or a moment and then said, "Sure ... " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure, give me new everything!" The salesman proceeded to collect a complete outfit and got the size right on everything until he got to Joe's underwear.

The salesman eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, you're wrong on that one. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman looked again and then shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[JIMINATOR]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[JIMINATOR]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Scorch]

:blink:

[JIMINATOR]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[JIMINATOR]

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a
man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with
guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're
a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

[JIMINATOR]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[JIMINATOR]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and says that he has never been with a woman. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[JIMINATOR]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as
to how you could possibly be cured." So, finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and just like that, he gets an erection!

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

[JIMINATOR]

3 mice are sitting in a bar bragging on how tough they are.

The first one says " Ya know those mouse traps the humans use on us? I just step in the trigger, catch the bar and yank out the cheese with my teeth!"

The second says "That's nothin', ya know the blue poison they have? With ketchup it's the best!"

The third mouse finishes his beer, and gets up to leave.

The first mouse says "Where ya goin' tough guy?"

The third says "Home, to screw the cat!"

[JIMINATOR]

A young lady says to a salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."

She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a damn vibrator."

[JIMINATOR]

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm
having trouble getting an erection. Can you help me?" After a complete examination
the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the
base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except, if
you're willing to try a new experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this
treatment?", "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles
from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
about it for a moment and then says, "Well the thought of going through life without
ever having sex again is too much, I'll go for it." A few weeks after the operation,
Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a
romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in
the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to
the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis
immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread
roll and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said
with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied with his
eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass!"

[JIMINATOR]

Two people in their mid-seventies have been seeing each other socially for nearly two years. They have even traveled together but always took separate hotel rooms.

One evening at dinner, old Bert says to Edna, "I been thinking, and we're wasting a heluva lot of money. We pay rent on two apartments, insurance on two cars, two cable bills, two phones...there ain't no end to it."

"What are you saying, Bert?" asks Edna sweetly.

"Hell, we should move in together" says Bert. "We're practically livin' like a couple anyways."

"Whose apartment would we live in?" asks Edna.

"Mine," says Bert. "It's bigger 'n cheaper."

"Which car would we keep?"

"Yours, it's newer 'n gets better mileage."

"Who'd cook?"

"You cook and I'll set the table 'n do the dishes."

"What about sex?" blushes Edna.

"Infrequently," replies Bert.

Edna smiles, "Is that one word or two?"

[JIMINATOR]

Rude & crude pickup lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

[JIMINATOR]

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered oral sex to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.

The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.

The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

[JIMINATOR]

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"

So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

[JIMINATOR]

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

[JIMINATOR]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history"

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

[JIMINATOR]

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

[JIMINATOR]

A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said, "Hello."

The little man said, "Hi, I'm a leprechaun!"

The guy was amazed.

The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes."

The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said, "Okay, I want a big house."

The leprechaun said, "When you return home, you will have a huge mansion!"

The guy said, "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own."

The leprechaun said, "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else."

The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge. He said "Okay, my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours."

The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt."

The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick. So the two were tearing it up! All the sudden the guy yelled out, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!"

Then the leprechaun said, "I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun."

[JIMINATOR]

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

[JIMINATOR]

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[JIMINATOR]

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife" the man replied "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'BAD DOG!'"

[JIMINATOR]

BAD: You can't find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

BAD: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
WORSE: You're in it.

BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.

BAD: Your husband's a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.

BAD: Your son's involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.

BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She's a lawyer.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: For another woman.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: To enter a convent.

BAD: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.

GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.
BAD: You're arrested.
WORSE: By your husband.

GOOD: The postman's early.
BAD: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

GOOD: The secretary said "yes."
BAD: Your wife says "no."

GOOD: The teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually.
WORSE: He's gay.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: So did the postman.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.

GOOD: You get a three-day weekend.
BAD: You get the flu on Friday.

GOOD: You get tickets to the theatre.
BAD: It's performance art.

GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.

GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.

GOOD: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
BAD: For real.

GOOD: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
BAD: Your son, that is.

GOOD: Your daughter's on the Pill.
BAD: She's eleven.

GOOD: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
BAD: He weighs 350 pounds.

GOOD: Your son's doing extra credit work.
BAD: Making a sexed video.

GOOD: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
BAD: It's counterfeit.

GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter's the star.

GOOD: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
BAD: You live downtown.

GOOD: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
BAD: She's coming home.

GOOD: Your wife's kinky.
BAD: With the neighbors.
WORSE: All of them

[JIMINATOR]

A newlywed couple was relaxing at the beach. Suddenly the woman jumps up and starts yelling, "something just flew into my vagina! Do something!"

The husband rushes her to a local hospital where an x-ray is performed on her. A few minutes later her doctor comes back with the results.

"Mrs. Davis, apparently a wasp flew into you, but fear not, there is a simple solution."

He discusses it quietly with the husband, "all you do is rub some honey on the head of your penis, insert it and as soon as you feel the wasp yank your penis out and the wasp should fly out."

Due to the stressful situation, the husband could not get hard, so the doctor said, "Due to the circumstances, why don't I do the deed?" After discussing the matter, the couple agreed that there is no other choice.

So the doctor removed his clothes, rubbed the honey and penetrated her, then he began thrusting in and out, faster and faster.

The husband grabbed him and yelled, "What the **** are you doing?" To which the doctor replied, "Change of plan. I decided to drown the bastard!"

[JIMINATOR]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[JIMINATOR]

Two guys were talking in the pub.

The first guy says "On my way home last night, I took the short cut under the railway bridge, and there was this woman lying on the ground with her tits out. Well, we made love there and then, it was fantastic. When we had done, I picked her up in my arms and carried her back to my car, where we had another shag. I then drove her back to my flat, carried her upstairs where we made love like rabbits all night. It was tremendous. The best sex I've ever had."

"You lucky bastard," said his mate, "What does she look like?"

"I don't know" replies the first guy, "I couldn't find her head."

[JIMINATOR]

After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a puss?"

Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat.

He then asked "What's a bitch?"

Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a puss?"

He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs.

Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."

[JIMINATOR]

8000... i R TEH LOOZER!!!

[pooky]

hahahaha these are hilarious Jim keep em comin :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Die Hard]

Jim, u is nuts man :rofl: