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View Full Version : A lil chapter I made, please review ppl...



FlameRush
02-21-2004, 11:21 AM
Starcraft Universal War - Story Line
*** Chapter 1
'Training'





Laying in the midnight falls on Mar-Sara, a man with slight interest of space, ready to sacrafice himself for the universe,
comes up to the streets, and asks himself "They are normal, but would they remain this way, or will Zerg do the same thing?".
He walks up to marine hq in the city, as the receptionist is waiting, and asks, "What would you like to do sir?", "Any
recruitment positions available?" asks Maximus, the receptionist blinks a eye, and says "Currently is available one slot
under marine advanced training, but you look like a rookie to me", "Ill take chances" says Max, the receptionist looks down,
and bluffs, "Hahaha, ok, Ill let you through, first training class is zerglings, walk through the door here on your left, and
go down the hall to the right, and go up the steps, and you will find your trainer", while leaving to the hall, Max says
"Thanks, Ill be sure to pay you 50% more next time", as the receptionist smiles, she fills information on supplies, special
single bed bedroom, and free training for 6 hours a day...

After the morning sunrise, Max gets up, and looks around, he leaves his room, and asks the cheif if there are any objectives
on the hour, as the cheif replied "Not yet, if you want, you can goto target practice, or get ready, or repeat your first
training class, maybe you wanna study your first kill on a hydralisk, they are deadly though, you would need a good ammount
of armor, the library is available now too, if you wanna study the health of the zerg race, or protoss race, you choose,
anythings ok", Max looks around, and walks torwards his quarters to get ready for his training, after he gets completely
ready, he goes to the lobby area, and sits for his trainer Shawn, as he waits, he gets a new paper, and reads whats going on
in the city, and finds a interesting ad, a quarter price vulture, with cheap factory builds already in it, while looking at
it, Shawn stands over him and asks "Are you ready for hydralisk training sir??", Maximus looks up, and puts the news paper
away, "Sure, Im ready for the training" Max replies as he gets up, and follows Shawn.
They Arive in the training room, and a hydralisk sits in the middle of the room burrowed, as Shawn says "This is training on
hydralisks, they are tough, even when they are not upgraded, large groups are nasty, I will show you a demostration of what
you will do", Shawn goes into the training room, and gets the hydralisks attention, and the hydralisk casts an attack
torwards Shawn, as he rolls to the left on the ground, and bounces off the wall, while in air, he shootsss his C-14 Cannister
Rifle at the hydralisk right on the left arm, and blows it off, then runs up close the the hydralisk, and points the rifle at
the chest of the beast, and fires the gun once more to kill it.
Max runs into the training grounds after the next hydralisk is spawned in the room, while inside, the hydralisk shoots a
acid spore at Maximus, and he dodges it by a simple roll to the left like Shawn did, while upclose to the wall, Maximus does
a stunt that has been done once in training with luck of a student before, running up the wall 2 feet, and jumps far to the
right, and shoots his gun at the hydralisk, and gets a lucky one shot one kill, as Shawn is amazed by the actions, when
Maximus walks inside the watch area, Shawn says, "Thats was amazing, no one never done that, I will premote you to next rank,
and skip your next training class of acrobatics on nasty terrain", Max looks at Shawn, "Thanks, I like that, this is good,
it seems easy to me, I may come back to acrobatics some other time, and practice better running up the walls" says Max, as
Shawn replies "Indeed you must"...



This was purely written from Teron, more chapters come when they are ready...


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Rate from 0.0 to 10.0, thanks

FlameRush
02-21-2004, 11:54 AM
Im going to goto bed now, I would like to see what stuff in the story was good, like characters, and stuff, with a rating...
Thanks...

EXEcution
02-21-2004, 01:34 PM
Just one thing.
Do not use formal speech when writing a story (words like "wanna")
Make it sound realistic. And if you want to give background info on the characters do it more extensively and dedicate a whole chapter to it.
Makes things easier and more interesting.
I used to write for a hobby, its fun and you learn alot.

Slice
02-21-2004, 03:23 PM
Um..... yeah

Sepra
02-21-2004, 04:13 PM
8 :happy:

Don't knock him for this.......better that he's spending his time learning and putting thought into something than troublemaking :thumbs:

Die Hard
02-21-2004, 04:15 PM
8.1 :P

EXEcution
02-21-2004, 07:10 PM
Originally posted by Slice@Feb 21 2004, 11:23 AM
Um..... yeah
I wanna hear Slice's story!

Sacrifice
02-21-2004, 07:39 PM
8.2 :P

Scorch
02-21-2004, 08:43 PM
8.4 :thumbs:

EXEcution
02-21-2004, 09:25 PM
Sry i cant really give this a rating.

FlameRush
02-22-2004, 04:36 AM
Thx for the good ratings, thats pretty muchly the story to a mod Im making for red faction, Starcraft Universal War, I have plenty plans, and the lil chapter I posted... Is going to be the games story...