Funnies from mom

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .. been out a

while..better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married
last month. Wife knows everything.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Gabriel and the Southerners

Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have
some
Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the
pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes,
their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball
caps
and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the
stairway
to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all
over
the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is Home
to
all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the
Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute. " The Devil
returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel
replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having
down
there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After
about
5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now
what
was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
"I'm
sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put
out the
fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see
me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown she gave me I sat down.
While waiting, I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:

1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.



When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"



At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Damn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of
Psychiatry
has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she s ovulating she is attracted
to
men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal,
she
is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his
temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are pending.

[OUTLAWS Dixie Chick]

:D Good ones! I needed those first thing this morning! :thumbs:

[Goober]

I agree with Dixie....nothing like starting the day off with a big smile and a laugh!..

Thanks Chico....and your mom too!!!

[Die Hard]

Very funny Chico and Chico's mom :funny:

[FUS1ON]

Great jokes Chico, keep 'em coming :D

[Thundarr]

Mom's have the best jokes, thanks for sharing, Chico!! :thumbs: