jokes

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone! Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that nice lady if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Mom & Dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot” he shouted.
A few moments passed.
“An ambulance just drove by”
A few moments later,
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike.....”
“The Coopers are having "woops"!!”
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, “How do you know they are having "woops"??”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Like that man told me the other day, he'd been married so long, he doesn't even look both ways crossing the street anymore.......

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a
> taxi
>> at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home,
>> he
>> asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his
> wife
>> was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
>> $100,
>> the cabby agreed.
>>
>> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into
> the
>> bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
> back
>> and there was his wife in bed with another man.
>>
>> The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
>> "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told
>> you
>> I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He
>> paid
>> for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He
>> paid
>> for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues.
>>
>> Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
> gun.
>> He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
>>
>> The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
>> catches a cold."
>

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the
side
of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this
huge
knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I
am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough
guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give
him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a
great golf game, and a great "woops" life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets
up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is
doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
is
your "woops" life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once
or twice a week."
Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad
for a
Catholic priest in a small parish

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles A little while later a priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerfull liquid in the world" it's called turpentine. The priest said no, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water.If you take some of this holy water and rub it on a pregnant womans belly, she'll pass a healthy baby. The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's a$$ and he'll pass a Harley Davidson"!

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear sweet Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, " where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A husband walks into fredericks of hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. he is shown several possibilities that range from 250 to 500 dollars the more sheer the more money. he decides on the 500 dollar item and heads home.
he presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it for him . while shes putting it on its so sheer she decides that she could wear nothing and return it for the 500 dollars and keep the money for herself so she walks out on the balcony and strikes a pose tha husband says good lord for 500 dollars you would think they could iron the wrinkles out. he never heard the shot, his funeral is friday

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Da Duck Hunt
Dem Duhon brothers done gone duck hunting in the Hackberry Marsh just south of da Intercoastal Bridge.
Dey call and call and call, don't see nathing, not a thang.
Unknown to dem brothers a hang glider launches hemself off the big tall bridge and as hem passes over dem, Claude jumps up!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Pete he done asked, "Whatcha shot, did ya kill it?"
"Don't know, not sur, but made dat dam thang drop dat man!"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months
without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump the crap from your aircraft.
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

There is a boy sittin in front of a church saying, f-in fire ants, these f-in fire ants,
The preist comes out and says, My son everything on this earth has a purpose, if you can tell me three things on this earth that don not have a purpose I will give you ultimate redemption, the boy says, ok father,
so the next day the same boy is there and is still siting there killing fire ants, these f-in fire ants,
so the priest comes out and says , well have you thought of these things, and the boy says yep, balls on a priest, tits on a nun and these fu-ing fire ants

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered. "There's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"

now I just "chunky dunk."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached
that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged
her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "The wife gave her husband a
healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a
lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The
wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if
it was with the same cow."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

In Alabama, Bubba called his attorney and asked: "Is it tre they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true", responded his lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat, and cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mr Lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba".
"And that lady sued for millions when she was gave that hot coffee she ordered and spilt it on her lap". "Yep, also true Bubba".
"And that football player sued his University when he gradiated and still couldn't read, right?" "That's right Bubba", said the Lawyer, "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'................ what I was wonderin' was................ do ya think I kin sue Budwieser.................... fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A Kentucky farmer and a rancher from Texas happened to meet one day and very soon a conversation about land ensued. The Texan asked the Ky. farmer how many acers he had to which he replied. I have nar on forty acers. The Texan said, heck boy, you call that a farm. Well heck boy I can start driving my truck across my farm at 7:00 am and by 7:00 pm I still haven't reached the other side of my property. The Ky farmer replied, I know what you mean, I used to have a truck like that.



An old Ky farmer decided to drive his pickup to the big city of Louisville on day. He had never been on an expressway in his entire life. When he went up one of the on ramps to get on I-65, he merged into the side of a big Lincoln Town car. The man in the fine car came to the farmer and said , boy, didn't you see that sign that said yield. The farmer replied, yeser shore did, and I rolled down my winder and yield at you three times, but you jest kept comming

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the
mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful,considering
the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be
wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the
black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie
had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really
wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the
mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I
don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue
suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her
Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very
grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for
these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of
that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost
nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing
an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long
as he looked nice...
"So I switched the heads."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? < BR>
8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!



10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When! the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
2. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
3. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
4. Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch he said". The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't >see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
5. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
6. Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."
7. Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the >patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
8. Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." --Dr. wouldn't admit his name....

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

>>> > Three women die together in an accident
>>> > and go to heaven.
>When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
>>>here in
>>> >heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
>So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
>>>over the
>>> >place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
>>>although they
>>try
>>> >their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
>>>one.
>Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
>>> >St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment
>>>for
>>stepping
>>> >on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
> The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
>comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely
>ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as
>>>for the first woman.
>The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to
>>>be chained
>>> >for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
> She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but
>one day
>St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
> St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
> The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being
>chained to you for all of eternity?"
>The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments."I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons,and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

This minister councils a couple and they have no money to pay him, but for his services, they give him a horse..."This is great, I always wanted a horse" replies the minister.

Some time goes by and the couple comes to visit the minister and the minister comes to the door with a big grin on his face..."I'm so glad it's you two, I've trained the horse to respond to religious statements, I have to show you"...the minister brings out the horse, saddles up and says to the horse "praise the Lord"...and the horse starts galloping off..."hallelujah" says the minister and the horse comes to a screeching halt..."isn't that neat" says the minister...

A few days later, as the minister is getting ready to drive to the chapel to give his Sunday benediction, the car is acting up and won't start, "but wait" he thinks to himself, I have the horse...so he saddles up the horse and says "praise the Lord" and he's off and galloping towards the chapel...as he's crossing a road a speeding truck comes around the corner and lays on the air horn, startling the horse...now the horse panics and is running towards a cliff at full trot..."Jesus save me" cries the minister...they're getting closer to the cliff..."Jesus, Mary, Joseph" cries the minister and the horse keeps heading straight for the cliff....they're almost upon the cliff and the minister remembers "hallelujah" and the horse comes to a screeching halt right at the edge of the precipice...the minister pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, wipes the sweat off his brow and says "I thought I'd never get this horse to stop...praise the lord".

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

There was this young couple that just got married and went on their honeymoon, as they were getting ready for bed the man on his side of the bed tosses over his pants to his new wife and says,"here put these on", well trying them on and them falling to her feet she says, " they are too big for me" the husband nods and says to her that means that he wears the pants in the relationship and she would do well to remember that. Well after a few seconds of thought the wife tosses over her panties and tells him to put them on, trying to get into her panties the man tells his wife," I can't get into them!" after hearing this she then tells him ," and that is how it is gonna be until you change your "damn" attitude!

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued

backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." ..... "So, how'd you break your arm?"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a
yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the
preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard,
though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking
he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said
this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you
need to cuss at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in
years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your face on it.
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying , Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down t he road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you knock it off I'm trying to poop."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I will not sell you any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives
how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word
that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how
to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results
when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst
of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun
and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

>>A little boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
>>His mother asks if he had done his chores.
>>
>>Not yet, said the little boy.
>>
>>His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
>>
>>Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens and
>>kicks a chicken.
>>He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow.
>>He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.
>>He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
>>dry
>>cereal.
>>
>>How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any
>>milk on my
>>cereal, he asks.
>>
>>Well, his mother says, I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get
>>Any
>>eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
>>bacon for a
>>week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week, you aren't
>>getting any
>>milk.
>>
>>Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
>>Halfway across the kitchen.
>>The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You
>>gonna
>>tell him or should I?

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

An Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie. The Ticket
Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"
The Old Farmer Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chucky.
Wherever I Go, Chucky Goes." "i'm Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent. "we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater."
The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed The
Bird Down His Overalls. He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket And Entered The Theater. He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge. The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. The Old
Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chucky Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie.
"marge," Whispered Mildred.
"what?" Said Marge.
"i Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert."
"what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge.
"he Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out," Whispered
Mildred.
"well, Don't Worry About It," Said Marge. "heck, At Our
Age We've Seen 'em All"
"i Thought So Too," Said Mildred, "but This One's
Eatin' My Popcorn

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained thatthe baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even
said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they
came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked
in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be plumb outta luck if he
needed glasses."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

a man goes to the bar and he says to the bartender "15 shots of tequila please" the bartender lines up 15 shots and the man starts slammin them one by one. the bartender said "darn" slow down there u dont have to drink them that fast you are gonna kill yourself. the man said "well if u had what i had u would be drinkin them this fast. the bartender said im sorry sir....... do u mind if i ask what u have?" the man laughed and said....."50 cents!!"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He
became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes
for his birthday."
The second guy said, ""darn", that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a
top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She
spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every
Indian's* present standard of living, should she one day
become the first female President. She referred to her career as a
New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that
came to her desk for approval. lthough the Senator was vague on the
details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future
ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion of
her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed
with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then
departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later
inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new
name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the
name given to a bird so full of $hit it can no longer fly.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return
trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the
pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down
a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea
where we at?"

"Yea, I t'ink we pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were
getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I
said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear ... "You're just not in touch
with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the
bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I
said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction
from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she
finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier"

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having "woops" tonight either.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the room of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"Okay, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the bat. "Because I sure as heck didn't!"

[Thundarr]

More fun than a barrel of monkeys!! Thanks Chico!! :thumbs: :rofl:

[OUTLAWS high ping camper]

Thanks Chico! :D