Pathos
06-02-2005, 09:46 PM
Hey gang, i fear it's time... for some more pissy GameMecca stories! [lone cheer] Those who read the first effort, "GameMecca - The Movie," will know that these things aren't exactly high art; with more plotholes than plot, we're NOT gonna scale the heights of character development (in fact we'll probably hit rock bottom then start digging), the dialogue WILL be painfully contrived, and the cinematography will DEFINITELY be worse than that homemade porno i shot... but, damnit, we will have some FUN!
Well, okay, i will anyway!
This time, we're taking the piss out of MMORPG's and such (Dark Age of Camelot, World of Warcraft, etc), starting with a special guest appearance by... the Outlaws of Darkness! [cue gasps of feigned interest]
You obviously do not need to have read the first one to read this "new adventure," but if you can't be arsed with the original thread here's a handy summary of what went down: We visited future versions of ourselves before journeying to Salvation's moon base and getting into a whole mess of trouble thanks to his crappy invention (GameMecca 3D - essentially a time travel device) and a pissed off Jiminator, who couldn't quite cut it as a temporarily-restrained evil person (read virgin) and thus turned psychopath and killed us all one by one before inadvertedly terminating his own existence in a collision with Bill Gates and the sun. Oh, and somewhere in there we met a Mad Zombie Floating Cow (don't ask).
That's right, it was a morality tale!
Rest assured that this time you are in absolutely no danger of increasing your hunger for enjoyable storytelling and quality narration, as i employ only the very latest techniques in incoherent camerawork in every single fight scene... of which there are numerous! So shut down your dancing girls screensaver, bring some booze, sit back with your, er, mouse, and take a swig everytime the author's attempts at dialogue make him sound like he really wants to kiss a boy!! [weeps 'cause it's true]
Enjoy.
THE CHRONICLES OF GAMEMECCA
PART I: The Dark Age of the World of Final Fantasy GameMecca
The gates of the great city of GameMecca open majestically, and in rides SIR JIMINATOR on his white horse, his long tangle of hair blowing like a golden pubic puzzle in the breeze. Close behind him stomps his faithful squire, the good PURE EVIL. Inspiring, orchestral music soars in our hearts and ears as we bask in the humbling magnificence of our unlikely leads, the camera swooping all around them like an eagle on speed in a piss-weak, derivative, Lord of the Rings homage!
Suddenly, overdoing his heroic pose a little, Jiminator tumbles off his horse!
JIMINATOR: Argh!
PURE EVIL: Woah! Stay calm, sir! Do not panic or shuffle wildly about! You are okay! I repeat you are A-okay! See, you had the good fortune of landing on... well... me!
(A very purple looking Pure Evil flails lamely beneath the obese form of his master)
JIMINATOR: Great, just bloody great! Way to ruin our establishing hero moment. All that rehearsal time shot to hell.
PURE EVIL: Sorry, boss! Completely my fault. I really should watch where i'm... [sniff] ...where i'm... [sniff sniff] ...say, are... are you wearing perfume?
JIMINATOR: I'm the hero, i don't have to answer that! Now hold still.
(Using Pure's head and ribcage as leverage, Jiminator lurches up and cautiously re-mounts his steed. After a moment, a groaning Pure Evil rises slowly to his feet. A bone or two pokes out from his bloodied tunic)
PURE EVIL (pushing his ribcage back into place): This... ugh... this collapsed lung is more than i deserve, and i'll be sorry when it heals... urrrgh... may i please be written out now?
JIMINATOR: No, and lucky for you, I like funny in a sidekick. Now come on.
(The gates close behind them, and Jiminator pauses to take a deep breath of that lovely GameMecca air. Mmmm, digital. He glances around the busy town square. Think downtown Los Angeles only with better-looking residents and a lower crime rate)
JIMINATOR: See, this is what i've always told you about! What do you see?
PURE EVIL: Well... there's some houses, and a fountain, and some rather nice shrubbery over there... it's all really kinda pretty!
(Jiminator moves to belt his smiling companion. Pure Evil cries out and deftly blocks the blow with the back of his head)
PURE EVIL: My gaping skull wound and i are going to go out on a limb here and say that wasn't the answer you were looking for.
JIMINATOR: Think abstractly, my pathetic squire! Opportunity. This is opportunity before us!
PURE EVIL: Sorry sir, silly of me not to notice. Opportunity comes in a trendy medieval setting. I see that now.
JIMINATOR (spreading his arms wide): This is where I shall re-make my fortune! No longer will i deal with the horrors of advanced hormonal angst by pretending to get drunk on lonely street corners! No, soon i will deal with it by ACTUALLY getting drunk!
PURE EVIL: Oh goody. A speech. This just keeps gettin' funner and funner.
JIMINATOR: ...yes, with untold wealth and inebriated good will as my weapons, I will become a Messiah-like guru, enthralling GameMecca with my special brand of new age peace and slurred affirmations of love! Blue birds will alight on my hands, with possibly Bambi making an appearance at my side...
PURE EVIL: Why, that's lovely, sir. However, i see one small flaw in your plan: You're insane and need treatment for your megalomania.
JIMINATOR: Oh Pure, be not jealous. With your years of barely-adequate service, you too will have a place in this grand and glorious future! Yes, you will have the honour... of leading the hourly group genuflections at the giant temple you will build in my image!!!
(A long pause. Pure looks contemptuously into the eyes of his slobbering, wild eyed mentor)
PURE EVIL: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
JIMINATOR: No, it's, uh, it's not you...
PURE EVIL: Look, not that I don't appreciate your strangely frequent, inspiring rants - because you had a good one going this time, you really did - but what happened to all our money? Specifically, y'know, MY money?
JIMINATOR: Ha, funny you should ask...
PURE EVIL: Funny? Funny how? Why is MY FAMILY'S LIFE SAVINGS funny??
JIMINATOR: Why, because I spent it all of course!
PURE EVIL: No! The ENTIRE fortune?! On WHAT?!
JIMINATOR: Whores.
(Pure Evil looks ill)
JIMINATOR: Well, whores and robots... Some of the whores were robots...
(Jim nudges his scrotum and makes an odd whirring noise. Pure Evil is momentarily stunned)
JIMINATOR: Bit of free advice though: go for the robots without multiple skin lesions... two little words for you, Pure: Erectile dysfunction.
(Jiminator shifts awkwardly in his saddle and smiles sadly)
PURE EVIL: You know... the fact you haven't accidentally killed yourself yet is nothing short of shocking.
(They walk on, Pure Evil preoccupying himself with a small anxiety attack)
PURE EVIL: Wait just a cotton pickin' minute! Aren't we, like, in the past here?
JIMINATOR: Yeah, so?
PURE EVIL: So what the HELL is a ROBOT!?? For that matter, who the hell is BAMBI??
JIMINATOR (sighing): Some people have no sense of theatre...
PURE EVIL (turning to face the reader): Let's see now, we've got robot whores, anachronisms, penis jokes, me as a crappy, broke-ass squire with broke-ass ribs and a broke-ass head, and friggin' Jiminator as a friggin' Knight? HIM?? I bet when i write my autobiography... i bet i skip over just about ALL of this!
*** SMACK! ***
They move on, Jiminator riding, Pure Evil bleeding. The two wade through the busy streets and cut through DAB Lane, surprisingly empty save for a drunk lying in the gutter and mumbling incoherently.
DARTHVIM: ...a... [hic] ...a clan resurgence [hic] ...y-yes... any day now... [hic]
(Jiminator points from his saddle and laughs loudly. Five minutes later, wiping the tears from his still-chuckling face, and to the great relief of a few more drunks, they find themselves standing before a modest tavern. A fine Olde Inn by the name of...
JIMINATOR (reading the sign overhead in halting english): "BOOTY TIME."
PURE EVIL: You've got to be kidding.
JIMINATOR: You go first, Sundance.
PURE EVIL: Why me?
JIMINATOR: Because of the way the sunlight dances in your eyes, you big studly guy!
PURE EVIL: I detect sarcasm...
JIMINATOR: Just get your sexy butt in there and holler if it's clear. And for heavens sake, don't speak to anyone! The last thing those poor drunk patrons need is your influence.
PURE EVIL (sighing introspectively): No one gets me...
JIMINATOR: Oh, and Pure... ?
PURE EVIL: Yeah?
JIMINATOR: I meant the part about the sunlight.
PURE EVIL: Shaddup.
(Jiminator raises a gauntleted hand. Pure Evil squeals and scampers cautiously inside)
PURE EVIL (calling after a moment): S'ok, boss! A genuine, sub-grade inn with your regulation heterosexual bad guys. Not an ass slap to be heard.
JIMINATOR: Oh, really?! Well, i'll soon see to that!
PURE EVIL: Hmm, let's see... a bumbling knight incapable of subtext... a skanky bar full of drunks and villainy... me in the middle... yep, this should end really well!
JIMINATOR: Your input is the lifeblood of this relationship. Now make way, lowly squire!
(Jiminator struts in and poses heroically by the door, sunlight illuminating him like a damp rock. No one bothers to notice, save a fly which lands quizzically on his nose to spawn some pupae)
JIMINATOR: Barkeep! A band aid for my nose and a pair of testicle handcuffs, please! Er, I mean...
HIGH PING BARKEEP: This AIN'T that kinda tavern! Try Shogun and Spike's "Queen of OUTLAWS bar" across town.
(Queen of Outlaws? Sir Jim makes a mental note and sidles up to the bar)
JIMINATOR: One Apple Juice, please.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Apple Juice?
PURE EVIL: If he doesn't get his daily apple juice he busts out crying.
JIMINATOR: Oh piss off.
(The bartender smirks and pours the juice)
PURE EVIL: Say, what's with this place? I mean, Booty Time? Hardly ambiguous.
JIMINATOR: Yeah, you queer or something?
PURE EVIL: Nice, Jim. Real subtle.
HIGH PING BARKEEP (sighing): Booty... as in treasure.
PURE EVIL: Ah.
JIMINATOR (disappointed): Oh.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Yeah, sh!tty name...
PURE EVIL: Oh yeah.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: So what's your pleasure?
PURE EVIL: Jug of water for me. Someone went and spent all my savings on Robot freakin' Whores.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: What's a robot?
PURE EVIL: Don't you start.
(High Ping pours some muddy, lukewarm water. Pure Evil sighs and takes a tentative sip. Sir Jim looks on bemusedly)
PURE EVIL: Worse still, i'll have to figure out some way to explain this... financial misstep to the wife.
HIGH PING BARKEEP (wincing): Funny how much time we all spend doing that.
JIMINATOR: Far be it for me to intrude on the sexual tension, but are you two, like, having a moment here?
HIGH PING BARKEEP: ...What?
JIMINATOR (elbowing the pair suggestively): Want me to leave? Eh? EH?! Want some BOOTY TIME?
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Is he always like this?
PURE EVIL (shrugging): He's a voices-in-your-head kinda guy.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: No kidding.
JIMINATOR: Look, it's cool, i'll just give you two a little time alone here... 'cause you know, in a universe this vast, when two hearts collide...
(Pure Evil rolls his eyes. High Ping Barkeep stares thoughtfully at Jiminator)
JIMINATOR (burping loudly): What?
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Nothing. It's just... it's so creepy realizing that someone is a lunatic...
JIMINATOR: Son of a-- look, i'll have you know i'm struggling with a deeply rooted desire to simply belong, okay?! That okay with you, champ? And in the meantime -- [puts an arm around Pure Evil] -- all i ask is that Pure worship me like some kind of Pagan God!
PURE EVIL (smiling weakly into his jug of dirty water): And people wonder why i've lost my will to live.
VOICE: HEY! Pretty boy!
(An immediate, deathly silence envelops the inn. Jiminator straightens and turns slowly around. An incredulous expression adorns his chiselled, knightly face)
JIMINATOR: Surely you are not talking... TO ME?
SAURON: Yeah you, blondie - you lookin' for TROUBLE?
JIMINATOR: Bub, I just wanna drink my Apple Juice.
SAURON (mouth agape): Apple.... Juice? Did... Did he really say...
(Sauron busts out laughing)
SAURON: Oh, you're trouble all right!
PURE EVIL: We should leave.
JIMINATOR: I can't...
PURE EVIL: This is no time for heroics.
JIMINATOR: No, i mean... my legs won't move.
PURE EVIL: Can i just say how reassuring it is to serve a knight who doesn't buckle under the pressure?
JIMINATOR: Relax, I got this!
PURE EVIL: It's important that YOU believe that.
SAURON: HEY! Why don't you quit yankin' yer boyfriend's chain and come over here? We'll see who leaves this place with enough teeth to eat soup and/or engage in bizarre, medieval sexual tomfoolery with yon bartender!
HIGH PING BARKEEP: It's days like this I really wish i'd thought out my inn name a little better.
JIMINATOR: It's days like this i really wish i knew more swear words.
*** PTOI! SPLAT! ***
JIMINATOR: What the--? Did... did you just spit on my cheek?!
SAURON: Sorry. I meant to spit in your eye.
(Sauron pulls out a HUGE AXE. Jiminator reacts with a brief spasm before assuming a Zen-like state. His thoughts race back to his time spent training among the fabled... OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS!)
We flash quickly back through time to CAMELOT and KNIGHT SCHOOL, where the OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS are busy running a young Squire Jiminator and his fellow pledges through their paces. The Outlaws of Darkness, it must be said, look ever so dashing in their bright leggings and oversized cloaks. Some of the higher ranking men are even wearing glitter and splashes of mascara! The pledges, eyes wide as saucers, look suitably impressed.
JANDAR: You squires will be the best of the BEST!
WORDNA: By the time we're through with you, you will like fuzzy animals, starry nights--
LAURELLE (cracking a whip): --matching outfits--
GRIMOX (swaying): --margarita shooters--
WHOCARESALOT: --and saving worlds!
SENORA ROSA: You will all but levitate in serenity!
JANDAR: Your turn-offs will be rude people and creatures with moist, grabby tentacles!
LAURELLE: But hon, doesn't that include most of the men in our cult?
JANDAR (scratching his manicured beard): Actually... yeah, now that i think about it.
GRIMOX (his voice heavy with solemn reverie): Very good point, sister Laurelle. We should debate this at great length at the next council meeting.
WORDNA: Yes, I concur.
SENORA ROSA: As do i, my brothers.
The OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS nod in perfect, preternatural unison and move to perform the Sacred Handshake of Complete Agreement (tm). It's awfully complicated, and ultimately ends in mild confusion, one or two deaths, and a whole mess of tangled limbs.
SENORA ROSA: Ok if you two shuffle a little to your left i think i can yank my left breast free and-- [pop] --ahh! There it goes! [jingle jingle] Now hand me the Vaseline and i'll do the other one...
WHOCARESALOT: This is kind of embarrassing, but... did anyone else just have an orgasm?
SENORA ROSA: OH MY GOD! Look!
WHOCARESALOT: Believe me i am!
SENORA ROSA: No, there!
WORDNA: Where?
SENORA ROSA: What do you mean where? For gods sake, Wordna -- look where you're standing!!!!
WORDNA: Huh?
(Wordna glances down. Beneath him lies the very gray looking form of Grimox)
WORDNA: Oh... umm... oops?
SENORA ROSA: "Oops?" OOPS??? OMG he's like... like... TOTALLY DEAD!!!!!
LAURELLE: What, again?
JANDAR (yawning): Colour me stunned.
WORDNA (still standing on Grimox): ...sorry name still doesn't ring a bell?
WHOCARESALOT: Hey stay focused here gang, i've found the lube and we still have a massive breast to free!
The OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS spend the next five minutes oiling their backsides, untangling themselves from the Sacred Handshake (tm), and tripping over Whocaresalot's heroic hairdo. Amid the blood and chaos MITCHYL suddenly appears! He leaps high out of Grimox's deceased belly and somersaults before them like a radioactive ninja turtle from a long forgotten prequel!
MITCHYL: Ta-Daaaa!
SENORA ROSA: Argh!
MITCHYL (absently dusting off little bits of Grimox from his fine tunic): What? You like that? That's a new move i've been working on.
SENORA ROSA: Geeze heart attack much! Remind me to buy you a collar with a little bell.
MITCHYL: Why so jumpy, my sister?
SENORA ROSA (glancing at Jiminator and the new recruits): Nerds make me nervous.
MITCHYL: Them? Worry not - you're a tenth level Priestess, Rosa. Train these welps, you get to level eleven, and then... then we get the TV ministry!!
(Mitchyl cackles evilly as thunder strikes overhead)
SENORA ROSA (chest heaving): You really know how to talk to a lady, Mitchyl. It's a beautiful thing.
WORDNA: Brother Mitchyl, pardon the interruption to your prelude to breeding, but you seem to have missed a bit...
(Wordna reaches carefully up to Mitchyl's oversized forehead, mutters a small incantation, then noisily peels off a large portion of Grimox's liver)
MITCHYL: Oh my, how embarrassing. Thank you, Brother Wordna.
JANDAR: Yes good call, Wordna.
SENORA ROSA: Eyes of a hawk...
LAURELLE: Incredible man!
WHOCARESALOT: Here, here!
Wordna nods manfully and dings 50! Everyone cheers. In wild celebration, they all begin the Symbiotic Hug of Betterment (tm). That's at least a ten minute ritual involving various props this production can ill afford, so instead we cut across to Squire Jiminator, who looks deeply troubled! Well, more so than usual. This of course does not go unnoticed by... Terminathare! Also known as Gharac Sanford, Gharak Alemaster, Garac BingBangBOOM, and Gharac the SO ON AND SO FORTH.
TERMINATHARE: You! The one with the hair that looks like he's got a demon living on top of his head. What ails you, my son? Speak quickly now.
SQUIRE JIMINATOR: Well, Master SO FORTH, it's like this... given my tendency to get into all sorts of wacky hijinks and mischief -- particularly in bars, brothels, robot factories and flashbacks -- i've been sorta wondering: what do i do if someone charges at me with a huge axe?
TERMINATHARE: Oh, that's easy. Don't fight back, don't rally the troops, just...
THE OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS (raising their arms as one): Fix your hair then panic and scream like a sissy!!!
SQUIRE JIMINATOR: Hey, I can DO that! I CAN! I--
LAURELLE (raising an urgent hand): A word of caution, my child. For if there is no room for a cowardly retreat, you should instead give serious thought to exposing the entire area between your breasts and your pelvic line.
SENORA ROSA: Yes, like so...
(Senora Rosa and Laurelle begin to slowly disrobe each other while the remaining OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS cheer, join hands and surround both them and the pledges in a mystic circle. Soon all are slowly chanting and looking mysterious)
SQUIRE JIMINATOR (awed): This is one of those moments i wish i could frame! OMG I am SO in the right profession!!
JANDAR: Let the initiation ceremony begin!
(The OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS dramatically swish their cloaks back and draw their wooden swords! They raise them high over their heads in perfect synchronicity then proceed to chase the new recruits around, laughing loudly and leaping over rose bushes, their plastic armour clanking loudly together...)
We flash forward, back to the Booty Time Inn, where stunned silence is the order of the day:
HIGH PING BARKEEP (weeping openly): This... is an incredible sequel!
SAURON: That was SUCH a pretty flashback! I may be written up as a clichéd tough guy with a feeble-but-necessary "all-man" attitude, but i'll be damned if i'm not about to break down like a little bitch!
PURE EVIL: Meh. Would have been better if they cried at the end and had a sad song.
JIMINATOR: Uh, can we just get ON with this?
(By way of response, Sauron bites back a manly sniffle, hefts his HUGE AXE, and assumes a badass pose! Jiminator gulps. Pure Evil yawns and looks at his sun dial)
PURE EVIL: Note that it's a Sun Dial, and not a watch...
JIMINATOR: Oh shut up.
SAURON: By this time tomorrow, sir Knight, i'll be rolling around in bed with your severed head, slowly caressing your bloodied scalp and growling and giggling like a monster baby until I'm tired!
JIMINATOR: Christ, that's a useful detail. Thanks for sharing that.
PURE EVIL: Room for two?
JIMINATOR: Pure, you're not helping.
PURE EVIL: Really? Next stop, rocket science!
JIMINATOR: Now who's being anachronistic?
PURE EVIL: Hey when i do it it's witty and charming!
HIGH PING BARKEEP (looking on approvingly): Plus he's a snappy dresser!
JIMINATOR: You two lovebirds are a real f!uckin' hoot! [turns to SAURON] Look you angry little toad, seriously now, if you don't stop insultin' me, I'm going to be forced to call you a poohead...
SAURON: Then let's get it on, YOU DWARF KISSING, PUPPY RAISING, DEFORMED FOETUS SNIFFER!
(Sauron screams, raises his axe, and charges at the unarmed Jiminator)
JIMINATOR: All right, you leave me no choice...
(Jiminator exposes his silver dollar nipples. Over in Neverland, several hundred fairies die)
JIMINATOR: POOHEAD!
TO BE CONTINUED!
NEXT TIME: After a brief and anticlimactic "struggle" involving Jiminator's street beggar reflexes and Sauron's inability to stay alive, Sir Jim and Pure Evil fall in love! They move to the country and raise some hedgehogs under assumed names. All goes well until one of the hedgehogs mysteriously vanishes and PEDRO (Jim) points the finger at a suspiciously-limping JULIO (Pure Evil)! They have a big spastic fight before colliding with each other and exploding. Years later, a bladder-weary Dark Psi will come to build his giant outhouse on that very spot... [flush]
Oh okay, just kidding.
THE REAL NEXT TIME: You'll get Spike & Shoggy, one very gay OUTLAWS bar full of Meccians, a couple of rowdy MERCs (is there any other kind?), a very drunk Execution Vs. an even drunker Slice, Pure Evil Vs. Sirc's bovine theatre (really), and of course Jiminator Vs. well, everyone! All that plus a cameo by yours truly. Or was it Alexis SC430? Damnit, I always get those two confused...
Yeah, I liked the first NEXT TIME better as well... smarty bum!
THE TIME AFTER THAT: It's a double header, as Sir Jiminator and Pure Evil take on.... Rodzilla & The Forest of VILLAINS! Will they prevail, or will they Die Hard? (Arf!) Only one thing is certain: Their epic battle will be the stuff of Alzheimer's!
-Pathos
Well, okay, i will anyway!
This time, we're taking the piss out of MMORPG's and such (Dark Age of Camelot, World of Warcraft, etc), starting with a special guest appearance by... the Outlaws of Darkness! [cue gasps of feigned interest]
You obviously do not need to have read the first one to read this "new adventure," but if you can't be arsed with the original thread here's a handy summary of what went down: We visited future versions of ourselves before journeying to Salvation's moon base and getting into a whole mess of trouble thanks to his crappy invention (GameMecca 3D - essentially a time travel device) and a pissed off Jiminator, who couldn't quite cut it as a temporarily-restrained evil person (read virgin) and thus turned psychopath and killed us all one by one before inadvertedly terminating his own existence in a collision with Bill Gates and the sun. Oh, and somewhere in there we met a Mad Zombie Floating Cow (don't ask).
That's right, it was a morality tale!
Rest assured that this time you are in absolutely no danger of increasing your hunger for enjoyable storytelling and quality narration, as i employ only the very latest techniques in incoherent camerawork in every single fight scene... of which there are numerous! So shut down your dancing girls screensaver, bring some booze, sit back with your, er, mouse, and take a swig everytime the author's attempts at dialogue make him sound like he really wants to kiss a boy!! [weeps 'cause it's true]
Enjoy.
THE CHRONICLES OF GAMEMECCA
PART I: The Dark Age of the World of Final Fantasy GameMecca
The gates of the great city of GameMecca open majestically, and in rides SIR JIMINATOR on his white horse, his long tangle of hair blowing like a golden pubic puzzle in the breeze. Close behind him stomps his faithful squire, the good PURE EVIL. Inspiring, orchestral music soars in our hearts and ears as we bask in the humbling magnificence of our unlikely leads, the camera swooping all around them like an eagle on speed in a piss-weak, derivative, Lord of the Rings homage!
Suddenly, overdoing his heroic pose a little, Jiminator tumbles off his horse!
JIMINATOR: Argh!
PURE EVIL: Woah! Stay calm, sir! Do not panic or shuffle wildly about! You are okay! I repeat you are A-okay! See, you had the good fortune of landing on... well... me!
(A very purple looking Pure Evil flails lamely beneath the obese form of his master)
JIMINATOR: Great, just bloody great! Way to ruin our establishing hero moment. All that rehearsal time shot to hell.
PURE EVIL: Sorry, boss! Completely my fault. I really should watch where i'm... [sniff] ...where i'm... [sniff sniff] ...say, are... are you wearing perfume?
JIMINATOR: I'm the hero, i don't have to answer that! Now hold still.
(Using Pure's head and ribcage as leverage, Jiminator lurches up and cautiously re-mounts his steed. After a moment, a groaning Pure Evil rises slowly to his feet. A bone or two pokes out from his bloodied tunic)
PURE EVIL (pushing his ribcage back into place): This... ugh... this collapsed lung is more than i deserve, and i'll be sorry when it heals... urrrgh... may i please be written out now?
JIMINATOR: No, and lucky for you, I like funny in a sidekick. Now come on.
(The gates close behind them, and Jiminator pauses to take a deep breath of that lovely GameMecca air. Mmmm, digital. He glances around the busy town square. Think downtown Los Angeles only with better-looking residents and a lower crime rate)
JIMINATOR: See, this is what i've always told you about! What do you see?
PURE EVIL: Well... there's some houses, and a fountain, and some rather nice shrubbery over there... it's all really kinda pretty!
(Jiminator moves to belt his smiling companion. Pure Evil cries out and deftly blocks the blow with the back of his head)
PURE EVIL: My gaping skull wound and i are going to go out on a limb here and say that wasn't the answer you were looking for.
JIMINATOR: Think abstractly, my pathetic squire! Opportunity. This is opportunity before us!
PURE EVIL: Sorry sir, silly of me not to notice. Opportunity comes in a trendy medieval setting. I see that now.
JIMINATOR (spreading his arms wide): This is where I shall re-make my fortune! No longer will i deal with the horrors of advanced hormonal angst by pretending to get drunk on lonely street corners! No, soon i will deal with it by ACTUALLY getting drunk!
PURE EVIL: Oh goody. A speech. This just keeps gettin' funner and funner.
JIMINATOR: ...yes, with untold wealth and inebriated good will as my weapons, I will become a Messiah-like guru, enthralling GameMecca with my special brand of new age peace and slurred affirmations of love! Blue birds will alight on my hands, with possibly Bambi making an appearance at my side...
PURE EVIL: Why, that's lovely, sir. However, i see one small flaw in your plan: You're insane and need treatment for your megalomania.
JIMINATOR: Oh Pure, be not jealous. With your years of barely-adequate service, you too will have a place in this grand and glorious future! Yes, you will have the honour... of leading the hourly group genuflections at the giant temple you will build in my image!!!
(A long pause. Pure looks contemptuously into the eyes of his slobbering, wild eyed mentor)
PURE EVIL: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
JIMINATOR: No, it's, uh, it's not you...
PURE EVIL: Look, not that I don't appreciate your strangely frequent, inspiring rants - because you had a good one going this time, you really did - but what happened to all our money? Specifically, y'know, MY money?
JIMINATOR: Ha, funny you should ask...
PURE EVIL: Funny? Funny how? Why is MY FAMILY'S LIFE SAVINGS funny??
JIMINATOR: Why, because I spent it all of course!
PURE EVIL: No! The ENTIRE fortune?! On WHAT?!
JIMINATOR: Whores.
(Pure Evil looks ill)
JIMINATOR: Well, whores and robots... Some of the whores were robots...
(Jim nudges his scrotum and makes an odd whirring noise. Pure Evil is momentarily stunned)
JIMINATOR: Bit of free advice though: go for the robots without multiple skin lesions... two little words for you, Pure: Erectile dysfunction.
(Jiminator shifts awkwardly in his saddle and smiles sadly)
PURE EVIL: You know... the fact you haven't accidentally killed yourself yet is nothing short of shocking.
(They walk on, Pure Evil preoccupying himself with a small anxiety attack)
PURE EVIL: Wait just a cotton pickin' minute! Aren't we, like, in the past here?
JIMINATOR: Yeah, so?
PURE EVIL: So what the HELL is a ROBOT!?? For that matter, who the hell is BAMBI??
JIMINATOR (sighing): Some people have no sense of theatre...
PURE EVIL (turning to face the reader): Let's see now, we've got robot whores, anachronisms, penis jokes, me as a crappy, broke-ass squire with broke-ass ribs and a broke-ass head, and friggin' Jiminator as a friggin' Knight? HIM?? I bet when i write my autobiography... i bet i skip over just about ALL of this!
*** SMACK! ***
They move on, Jiminator riding, Pure Evil bleeding. The two wade through the busy streets and cut through DAB Lane, surprisingly empty save for a drunk lying in the gutter and mumbling incoherently.
DARTHVIM: ...a... [hic] ...a clan resurgence [hic] ...y-yes... any day now... [hic]
(Jiminator points from his saddle and laughs loudly. Five minutes later, wiping the tears from his still-chuckling face, and to the great relief of a few more drunks, they find themselves standing before a modest tavern. A fine Olde Inn by the name of...
JIMINATOR (reading the sign overhead in halting english): "BOOTY TIME."
PURE EVIL: You've got to be kidding.
JIMINATOR: You go first, Sundance.
PURE EVIL: Why me?
JIMINATOR: Because of the way the sunlight dances in your eyes, you big studly guy!
PURE EVIL: I detect sarcasm...
JIMINATOR: Just get your sexy butt in there and holler if it's clear. And for heavens sake, don't speak to anyone! The last thing those poor drunk patrons need is your influence.
PURE EVIL (sighing introspectively): No one gets me...
JIMINATOR: Oh, and Pure... ?
PURE EVIL: Yeah?
JIMINATOR: I meant the part about the sunlight.
PURE EVIL: Shaddup.
(Jiminator raises a gauntleted hand. Pure Evil squeals and scampers cautiously inside)
PURE EVIL (calling after a moment): S'ok, boss! A genuine, sub-grade inn with your regulation heterosexual bad guys. Not an ass slap to be heard.
JIMINATOR: Oh, really?! Well, i'll soon see to that!
PURE EVIL: Hmm, let's see... a bumbling knight incapable of subtext... a skanky bar full of drunks and villainy... me in the middle... yep, this should end really well!
JIMINATOR: Your input is the lifeblood of this relationship. Now make way, lowly squire!
(Jiminator struts in and poses heroically by the door, sunlight illuminating him like a damp rock. No one bothers to notice, save a fly which lands quizzically on his nose to spawn some pupae)
JIMINATOR: Barkeep! A band aid for my nose and a pair of testicle handcuffs, please! Er, I mean...
HIGH PING BARKEEP: This AIN'T that kinda tavern! Try Shogun and Spike's "Queen of OUTLAWS bar" across town.
(Queen of Outlaws? Sir Jim makes a mental note and sidles up to the bar)
JIMINATOR: One Apple Juice, please.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Apple Juice?
PURE EVIL: If he doesn't get his daily apple juice he busts out crying.
JIMINATOR: Oh piss off.
(The bartender smirks and pours the juice)
PURE EVIL: Say, what's with this place? I mean, Booty Time? Hardly ambiguous.
JIMINATOR: Yeah, you queer or something?
PURE EVIL: Nice, Jim. Real subtle.
HIGH PING BARKEEP (sighing): Booty... as in treasure.
PURE EVIL: Ah.
JIMINATOR (disappointed): Oh.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Yeah, sh!tty name...
PURE EVIL: Oh yeah.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: So what's your pleasure?
PURE EVIL: Jug of water for me. Someone went and spent all my savings on Robot freakin' Whores.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: What's a robot?
PURE EVIL: Don't you start.
(High Ping pours some muddy, lukewarm water. Pure Evil sighs and takes a tentative sip. Sir Jim looks on bemusedly)
PURE EVIL: Worse still, i'll have to figure out some way to explain this... financial misstep to the wife.
HIGH PING BARKEEP (wincing): Funny how much time we all spend doing that.
JIMINATOR: Far be it for me to intrude on the sexual tension, but are you two, like, having a moment here?
HIGH PING BARKEEP: ...What?
JIMINATOR (elbowing the pair suggestively): Want me to leave? Eh? EH?! Want some BOOTY TIME?
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Is he always like this?
PURE EVIL (shrugging): He's a voices-in-your-head kinda guy.
HIGH PING BARKEEP: No kidding.
JIMINATOR: Look, it's cool, i'll just give you two a little time alone here... 'cause you know, in a universe this vast, when two hearts collide...
(Pure Evil rolls his eyes. High Ping Barkeep stares thoughtfully at Jiminator)
JIMINATOR (burping loudly): What?
HIGH PING BARKEEP: Nothing. It's just... it's so creepy realizing that someone is a lunatic...
JIMINATOR: Son of a-- look, i'll have you know i'm struggling with a deeply rooted desire to simply belong, okay?! That okay with you, champ? And in the meantime -- [puts an arm around Pure Evil] -- all i ask is that Pure worship me like some kind of Pagan God!
PURE EVIL (smiling weakly into his jug of dirty water): And people wonder why i've lost my will to live.
VOICE: HEY! Pretty boy!
(An immediate, deathly silence envelops the inn. Jiminator straightens and turns slowly around. An incredulous expression adorns his chiselled, knightly face)
JIMINATOR: Surely you are not talking... TO ME?
SAURON: Yeah you, blondie - you lookin' for TROUBLE?
JIMINATOR: Bub, I just wanna drink my Apple Juice.
SAURON (mouth agape): Apple.... Juice? Did... Did he really say...
(Sauron busts out laughing)
SAURON: Oh, you're trouble all right!
PURE EVIL: We should leave.
JIMINATOR: I can't...
PURE EVIL: This is no time for heroics.
JIMINATOR: No, i mean... my legs won't move.
PURE EVIL: Can i just say how reassuring it is to serve a knight who doesn't buckle under the pressure?
JIMINATOR: Relax, I got this!
PURE EVIL: It's important that YOU believe that.
SAURON: HEY! Why don't you quit yankin' yer boyfriend's chain and come over here? We'll see who leaves this place with enough teeth to eat soup and/or engage in bizarre, medieval sexual tomfoolery with yon bartender!
HIGH PING BARKEEP: It's days like this I really wish i'd thought out my inn name a little better.
JIMINATOR: It's days like this i really wish i knew more swear words.
*** PTOI! SPLAT! ***
JIMINATOR: What the--? Did... did you just spit on my cheek?!
SAURON: Sorry. I meant to spit in your eye.
(Sauron pulls out a HUGE AXE. Jiminator reacts with a brief spasm before assuming a Zen-like state. His thoughts race back to his time spent training among the fabled... OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS!)
We flash quickly back through time to CAMELOT and KNIGHT SCHOOL, where the OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS are busy running a young Squire Jiminator and his fellow pledges through their paces. The Outlaws of Darkness, it must be said, look ever so dashing in their bright leggings and oversized cloaks. Some of the higher ranking men are even wearing glitter and splashes of mascara! The pledges, eyes wide as saucers, look suitably impressed.
JANDAR: You squires will be the best of the BEST!
WORDNA: By the time we're through with you, you will like fuzzy animals, starry nights--
LAURELLE (cracking a whip): --matching outfits--
GRIMOX (swaying): --margarita shooters--
WHOCARESALOT: --and saving worlds!
SENORA ROSA: You will all but levitate in serenity!
JANDAR: Your turn-offs will be rude people and creatures with moist, grabby tentacles!
LAURELLE: But hon, doesn't that include most of the men in our cult?
JANDAR (scratching his manicured beard): Actually... yeah, now that i think about it.
GRIMOX (his voice heavy with solemn reverie): Very good point, sister Laurelle. We should debate this at great length at the next council meeting.
WORDNA: Yes, I concur.
SENORA ROSA: As do i, my brothers.
The OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS nod in perfect, preternatural unison and move to perform the Sacred Handshake of Complete Agreement (tm). It's awfully complicated, and ultimately ends in mild confusion, one or two deaths, and a whole mess of tangled limbs.
SENORA ROSA: Ok if you two shuffle a little to your left i think i can yank my left breast free and-- [pop] --ahh! There it goes! [jingle jingle] Now hand me the Vaseline and i'll do the other one...
WHOCARESALOT: This is kind of embarrassing, but... did anyone else just have an orgasm?
SENORA ROSA: OH MY GOD! Look!
WHOCARESALOT: Believe me i am!
SENORA ROSA: No, there!
WORDNA: Where?
SENORA ROSA: What do you mean where? For gods sake, Wordna -- look where you're standing!!!!
WORDNA: Huh?
(Wordna glances down. Beneath him lies the very gray looking form of Grimox)
WORDNA: Oh... umm... oops?
SENORA ROSA: "Oops?" OOPS??? OMG he's like... like... TOTALLY DEAD!!!!!
LAURELLE: What, again?
JANDAR (yawning): Colour me stunned.
WORDNA (still standing on Grimox): ...sorry name still doesn't ring a bell?
WHOCARESALOT: Hey stay focused here gang, i've found the lube and we still have a massive breast to free!
The OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS spend the next five minutes oiling their backsides, untangling themselves from the Sacred Handshake (tm), and tripping over Whocaresalot's heroic hairdo. Amid the blood and chaos MITCHYL suddenly appears! He leaps high out of Grimox's deceased belly and somersaults before them like a radioactive ninja turtle from a long forgotten prequel!
MITCHYL: Ta-Daaaa!
SENORA ROSA: Argh!
MITCHYL (absently dusting off little bits of Grimox from his fine tunic): What? You like that? That's a new move i've been working on.
SENORA ROSA: Geeze heart attack much! Remind me to buy you a collar with a little bell.
MITCHYL: Why so jumpy, my sister?
SENORA ROSA (glancing at Jiminator and the new recruits): Nerds make me nervous.
MITCHYL: Them? Worry not - you're a tenth level Priestess, Rosa. Train these welps, you get to level eleven, and then... then we get the TV ministry!!
(Mitchyl cackles evilly as thunder strikes overhead)
SENORA ROSA (chest heaving): You really know how to talk to a lady, Mitchyl. It's a beautiful thing.
WORDNA: Brother Mitchyl, pardon the interruption to your prelude to breeding, but you seem to have missed a bit...
(Wordna reaches carefully up to Mitchyl's oversized forehead, mutters a small incantation, then noisily peels off a large portion of Grimox's liver)
MITCHYL: Oh my, how embarrassing. Thank you, Brother Wordna.
JANDAR: Yes good call, Wordna.
SENORA ROSA: Eyes of a hawk...
LAURELLE: Incredible man!
WHOCARESALOT: Here, here!
Wordna nods manfully and dings 50! Everyone cheers. In wild celebration, they all begin the Symbiotic Hug of Betterment (tm). That's at least a ten minute ritual involving various props this production can ill afford, so instead we cut across to Squire Jiminator, who looks deeply troubled! Well, more so than usual. This of course does not go unnoticed by... Terminathare! Also known as Gharac Sanford, Gharak Alemaster, Garac BingBangBOOM, and Gharac the SO ON AND SO FORTH.
TERMINATHARE: You! The one with the hair that looks like he's got a demon living on top of his head. What ails you, my son? Speak quickly now.
SQUIRE JIMINATOR: Well, Master SO FORTH, it's like this... given my tendency to get into all sorts of wacky hijinks and mischief -- particularly in bars, brothels, robot factories and flashbacks -- i've been sorta wondering: what do i do if someone charges at me with a huge axe?
TERMINATHARE: Oh, that's easy. Don't fight back, don't rally the troops, just...
THE OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS (raising their arms as one): Fix your hair then panic and scream like a sissy!!!
SQUIRE JIMINATOR: Hey, I can DO that! I CAN! I--
LAURELLE (raising an urgent hand): A word of caution, my child. For if there is no room for a cowardly retreat, you should instead give serious thought to exposing the entire area between your breasts and your pelvic line.
SENORA ROSA: Yes, like so...
(Senora Rosa and Laurelle begin to slowly disrobe each other while the remaining OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS cheer, join hands and surround both them and the pledges in a mystic circle. Soon all are slowly chanting and looking mysterious)
SQUIRE JIMINATOR (awed): This is one of those moments i wish i could frame! OMG I am SO in the right profession!!
JANDAR: Let the initiation ceremony begin!
(The OUTLAWS OF DARKNESS dramatically swish their cloaks back and draw their wooden swords! They raise them high over their heads in perfect synchronicity then proceed to chase the new recruits around, laughing loudly and leaping over rose bushes, their plastic armour clanking loudly together...)
We flash forward, back to the Booty Time Inn, where stunned silence is the order of the day:
HIGH PING BARKEEP (weeping openly): This... is an incredible sequel!
SAURON: That was SUCH a pretty flashback! I may be written up as a clichéd tough guy with a feeble-but-necessary "all-man" attitude, but i'll be damned if i'm not about to break down like a little bitch!
PURE EVIL: Meh. Would have been better if they cried at the end and had a sad song.
JIMINATOR: Uh, can we just get ON with this?
(By way of response, Sauron bites back a manly sniffle, hefts his HUGE AXE, and assumes a badass pose! Jiminator gulps. Pure Evil yawns and looks at his sun dial)
PURE EVIL: Note that it's a Sun Dial, and not a watch...
JIMINATOR: Oh shut up.
SAURON: By this time tomorrow, sir Knight, i'll be rolling around in bed with your severed head, slowly caressing your bloodied scalp and growling and giggling like a monster baby until I'm tired!
JIMINATOR: Christ, that's a useful detail. Thanks for sharing that.
PURE EVIL: Room for two?
JIMINATOR: Pure, you're not helping.
PURE EVIL: Really? Next stop, rocket science!
JIMINATOR: Now who's being anachronistic?
PURE EVIL: Hey when i do it it's witty and charming!
HIGH PING BARKEEP (looking on approvingly): Plus he's a snappy dresser!
JIMINATOR: You two lovebirds are a real f!uckin' hoot! [turns to SAURON] Look you angry little toad, seriously now, if you don't stop insultin' me, I'm going to be forced to call you a poohead...
SAURON: Then let's get it on, YOU DWARF KISSING, PUPPY RAISING, DEFORMED FOETUS SNIFFER!
(Sauron screams, raises his axe, and charges at the unarmed Jiminator)
JIMINATOR: All right, you leave me no choice...
(Jiminator exposes his silver dollar nipples. Over in Neverland, several hundred fairies die)
JIMINATOR: POOHEAD!
TO BE CONTINUED!
NEXT TIME: After a brief and anticlimactic "struggle" involving Jiminator's street beggar reflexes and Sauron's inability to stay alive, Sir Jim and Pure Evil fall in love! They move to the country and raise some hedgehogs under assumed names. All goes well until one of the hedgehogs mysteriously vanishes and PEDRO (Jim) points the finger at a suspiciously-limping JULIO (Pure Evil)! They have a big spastic fight before colliding with each other and exploding. Years later, a bladder-weary Dark Psi will come to build his giant outhouse on that very spot... [flush]
Oh okay, just kidding.
THE REAL NEXT TIME: You'll get Spike & Shoggy, one very gay OUTLAWS bar full of Meccians, a couple of rowdy MERCs (is there any other kind?), a very drunk Execution Vs. an even drunker Slice, Pure Evil Vs. Sirc's bovine theatre (really), and of course Jiminator Vs. well, everyone! All that plus a cameo by yours truly. Or was it Alexis SC430? Damnit, I always get those two confused...
Yeah, I liked the first NEXT TIME better as well... smarty bum!
THE TIME AFTER THAT: It's a double header, as Sir Jiminator and Pure Evil take on.... Rodzilla & The Forest of VILLAINS! Will they prevail, or will they Die Hard? (Arf!) Only one thing is certain: Their epic battle will be the stuff of Alzheimer's!
-Pathos