The Jamacian

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

THE JAMAICAN

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They
were touring around the marketplace looking at the
goods and such when they passed this small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say,"You, foreigners! Come in. Come
into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said
to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at "woops"."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he
really didn't need them, being the "woops" God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a "woops" freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

The husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something
his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down
his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON
DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

The Cardiologist's Funeral.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart> then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
Atthatpoint, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just
thinkingof my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
> > >> The proctologist fainted.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Men Entering Heaven




When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said.

"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled our purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The lone man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

George Bush and Dick Cheney were at a fancy Washington restaurant.

The waitress approaches their table to take order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies: "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers: "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says: "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."

With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says: "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

ONCE A BLONDE ALWAYS A BLONDE



Mildred, an elderly blonde of 93, was despondent over the recent death
>>>>of
>>>>her husband, Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him
in
>>>>death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took
>>>out
>>>>Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
>>>heart,
>>>>since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to
miss
>>>>the
>>>>vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she
called
>>>her
>>>>doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since
you're a
>>>>woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast.
Why
>>>do
>>>>you ask?" She hung up without answering. Later that night,
Mildred was
>>>>admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

VW BEETLE

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in
an Arkansas licensed Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you
got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double
bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and
drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates.
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up
next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks
out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT !!!

[krazy]

Those were real good ones :thumbs:

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn
to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg
to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, Thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrass ed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a
little smile to the driver, she again! reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step .
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Taking Falgoust on a duck hunt
Old Boudreaux was at the sporting goods store buying a box of shotgun shells when he came across this city fella who looked puzzled. Being a kind Cajun, Boudreaux said, "Ma name's Boudreaux, can I help you cher?"

The fellow replied, "Hi, I'm Falgoust from Florida and I wanna hunt ducks, but never have before." Boudreaux helped the guy pick out some shells and told him to meet him at the boat dock at 5 a.m. and he would take him hunting.

Sure enough Falgoust was there and he and Boudreaux headed toward the blinds. Boudreaux put Falgoust in a blind then headed to the next one over. It was early, so Falgoust opened his thermos and poured him some coffee. He looked up and saw Boudreaux take a shot of his Cajun whiskey, "Jacques

Daniel" (Jack Daniels for the yanks).

Well, nothin' was flying, and soon the sun was way up in the sky. Falgoust's watch said 9:30 a.m., so he poured his last cup of coffee from the thermos. He looked at Boudreaux who was taking the last sip of his whiskey.

About that time Falgoust spots this one lonely duck flying straight at him -- slow! Falgoust picked up his gun, badda boom, badda boom, badda boom -- missed three times.

Boudreaux comes staggering up, lifts his shotgun, waves it around and "boom!" drops the duck dead.

Boudreaux gets in the pirogue, picks up the duck and paddles over to Falgoust. Falgoust was smiling ear to ear. "Boudreaux, that was the best shot I have ever seen!"

Boudreaux thought for a second, hiccupped and slurred, "Mais Falgoust, I dunno -- big flock like dat, I shoulda shot three or four!"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"


"Ten years!", he says.


She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.


He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"


Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"


He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.


He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"


Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"


And the man replies, "My Gosh! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the
kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few
seconds, then it comes crashing
back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do
everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband as he's holding
the kite and looking dejected, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend
to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their
team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

The Loyal Wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my
side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side...You know what?


What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck, get the heck away from me

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

THE OIL SHORTAGE
> A lot of folks can't understand
> how we came to have
> an oil shortage here in America.
> ~~~
> Well, there's a very simple answer.
> ~~~
> Nobody bothered to check the oil.
> ~~~
> We just didn't know we were getting low.
> ~~~
> The reason for that is purely geographical.
> ~~~
> Our OIL is located in
> ~~~
> Alaska
> ~~~
> California
> ~~~
> Oklahoma
> and
> TEXAS
> ~~~
> ~~~
> Our
> DIPSTICKS
> are located in
> Washington DC

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went
to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, for your reward you can
hang
out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with
God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
the
Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't You
the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words, and
waited for
the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it
may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was
raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have "woops" with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide eyed and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies
those women have?"

"Most of them are cab drivers," she replied.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

DON'T MESS WITH MOM

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
or speak, or what I have to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as "C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled your appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry son but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
>instead of C.S.D..?"