Redneck humor :-D

[T I K]

Top 40 Things you'll never hear a redneck say:

40. Let's get your front tooth fixed this month instead of the bass
boat.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38 Duct Tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmers?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the aruguta and ridicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Elvis who?

[Caged Anger]

:D lol

[T I K]

more redneck.......:P

You might be a redneck if...

Your wife/sister complains about that framed portrait of Hulk Hogan
over the fireplace.*
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War
general.*
You think the stock market has a fence around it.*
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste
test.*
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.*
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.*
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.*
You've ever used lard in bed.*
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.*
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.*
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.*
Your home has more miles on it than your car.*
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.*
You've ever been arrested for loitering.*
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.*
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.*
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.*
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.*
You own a homemade fur coat.*
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.*
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.*
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.*
There are more than five McDonald's bags
currently on the floorboard of your car.*
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.*
There is a wasp nest in your living room.*
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.*
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.*
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.*
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.*
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.*
Fewer than half of your cars run.*
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.*
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.*
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.*
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.*
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the
principal.*
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.*
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.*
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few
days.*
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out
how to fix it.*
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
the State Trooper to kiss her ass.*
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and
cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.*
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.*
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.*
You're an expert on worm beds.*
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.*
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take
a bath!"*
Your family tree does not fork.*
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
walls.*
You haul more than U-Haul.*
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud
is back on!"*
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.*
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.*
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.*
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.*
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."*
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.*
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.*
You pick your teeth from a catalog.*
You've ever financed a tattoo.*
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship
came in."*
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.*
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school
sports event.*
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.*
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.*
The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.*
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.*
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.*
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.*
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
governor to spare a loved one.*
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.*
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because
of her language.*
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.*
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed for
best picture.*
None of your shirts cover your stomach.*
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size
bottle of ketchup.*
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front
ones.*
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.*
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.*
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.*
Birds are attracted to your beard.*
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".*
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.*
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.*
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.*
Bikers back down from your momma.*
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.*
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.*
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.*
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".*
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.*
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.*
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the
h--l are you looking at,
****head?"*

[T I K]

and more redneck :P

You might be a redneck if :

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.*
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.*
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
"Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all
Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)*
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.*
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.*
You clean your nails with a stick.*
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.*
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.*
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.*
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
opening on the lube rack.*
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.*
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.*
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.*
You've ever been too drunk to fish.*
You've ever bought a used cap.*
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.*
You've ever used a weed-eater indoors.*
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.*
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).*
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'*
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.*
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
wheels off it.*
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.*
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.*
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.*
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.*
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.*
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.*
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.*
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".*
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.*
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.*
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have
those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.*
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.*
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.*
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.*
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".*
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the
car.*
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.*
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.*
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.*
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.*
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.*
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.*
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
grade.*
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.*
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.*
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
"Georgia on My Mind".*
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.*
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
it in prison.*
You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)*
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.*
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.*
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the
4-H Fair.*
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front
yard.*
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I
flush it."*
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.*
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned
yellow.*
You mow your lawn and find a car.*
You can spit without opening your mouth.*
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on
shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.*
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and
you only need to buy one gift.*
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.*
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.*
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.*
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.*
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".*
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.*
You've never paid for a haircut.*
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.*
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in
your truck.*
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just
"misunderstood".*
You've ever made change in the offering plate.*
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."*
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
arm below the shirt sleeve...*

[krazy]

good ones TIK:thumbs: