Die Hard
02-10-2006, 03:21 PM
These are from a British Comedian called Peter Kay so some of them may be lost inb translation. Hope you enjoy.......
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold
the engine?
* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
* I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
* S*x is like Bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'. I said 'No, six should be enough."
* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
* You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold
the engine?
* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
* I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
* S*x is like Bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'. I said 'No, six should be enough."
* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
* You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.