lollers

[JIMINATOR]

A penguin had trouble with his car so he dropped it off at the shop for repair. He had about an hours wait so he decided to take a walk. While out walking he came across an ice cream store. He decided to get some vanilla ice cream. While he was on his way back to the garage the little guy dropped some ice cream on his beak and chin. When he entered the garage the mechanic approached the penguin and said he had found the problem.
"It looks like you blew a seal" the mechanic said. The penguin replied "No,it's just a little ice cream".

[JIMINATOR]

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods takeing a dump. The bear looks at the rabbit and says "Hey rabbit,you have trouble with sh1t sticking to your fur"? The rabbit looks up and says " No,I don't". Shortly after the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[JIMINATOR]

A guy is walking through the park when he sees an old man sitting on a bench crying his eyes out.

He walks up to him and says " Hey old timer whats wrong?"

The old guy says, " i just married an 21 year old woman, and all she wants to do is have sex, sex, sex. All day lon,g all she wants is sex"

The young guy replies, " Well what's wrong with that, sounds like a great situation to be in."

To that the old man says between sobs.."I forgot where I live."

[JIMINATOR]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get r id of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[JIMINATOR]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into
a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "Hey Buddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina

[JIMINATOR]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[JIMINATOR]

3 men stranded on an island for 10 years stumble upon a lamp. After moving the lamp a genie appears. Each man is granted only one wish. The first man say's "After being stranded here with these men I want to be surrounded by only beautiful women". The genie grants his wish and the man is transported to the playboy mansion. The next man get's his turn and says, "I want to be around lot's of people and never to be isolated again". The genie does his best and transports the man to the center of New York City. Down to the last man the genie asks, "What is your one wish?” The last man say's " I miss my two friends and wish they were back here with me".

[JIMINATOR]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down in front of the TV, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook, clean, wash, and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh well, it's started."

[JIMINATOR]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee. As
she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows
her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money
to afford any," she replied.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go
and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she
is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!
You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give
me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also
takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the **** are
yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well,
fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's
a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[JIMINATOR]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. Left testicle, 3 lb. Right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. This big dude kneels down & brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a very weak voice, the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. left testicle, 3lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around.”

[JIMINATOR]

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. In a flash he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[JIMINATOR]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on

They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them
ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses,

they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,"
retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country . .
we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives . . . "

"Hey, coola down lady,"
said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spell 'Mississippi'."

[JIMINATOR]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Every thing's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[JIMINATOR]

A couple had been married for 15 years:
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over, the husband said "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill."

He then got a yardstick and measured the grill and then his wife's butt. "Yep" he said "Just as I thought, just about the same size."

The wife said nothing.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said "How about it, Honey!" The wife
rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter??" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you???"

[JIMINATOR]

a pirate walks into a bar and the barman recognises him.

"how you doing old chap!" says the barman, "i havent seen you in years"

"ive been away on the ship" replies the pirate

"but what the hell happened to you" says the barman

"what do you mean" says the pirate, rather surprised

"you have a wooden leg!" exclaims the barman

"ah yes, sad story" says the pirate, "i was on the great ship and the cannon backfired, swiped my leg clean off, i've had a wooden leg ever since."

"thats terrible", remarks the barmman, "but what bout your hand! - you have a hook!"

"another sad story", continues the pirate, "i was in ferocious battle and my enemy swiped off my hand with his sword, I've had a hook ever since."

"oh dear, but what about your eye patch! what happenned to your eye!", says the barman

"well I looked up one day whilst on my ship, and a seagull shat in my eye!" explains the pirate

the barman is rather confused, "surely you cant lose an eye by getting poo in it???"

the pirate shakes his head and says..."it was my first day with the hook"

[JIMINATOR]

Two nuns are tasked to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

[JIMINATOR]

A guy walks into a bar-


...with his pet monkey and orders a drink . While he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[EXEcution]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Haha! I like that one the most! :)

Last one was pretty good too.

[JIMINATOR]

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse
were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect
his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it
would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give
him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

[JIMINATOR]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[JIMINATOR]

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

[JIMINATOR]

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer
and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just
one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we
all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of
my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it
there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and
obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[JIMINATOR]

A man found a bottle with a genie on the beach. The Genie promised him three wishes and they could not be continuous. The only catch was that whatever he wished for his mother - in - law received twice as much of it. The man thought awhile and formulated his plan. He then told the genie, "I am ready. First give me ten million dollars in the bank." The Genie looked at him funny and said you know your mother in law will get twenty million." That's o.k. said the man. Poof it was done. Secondly, the man said give me a ten million dollar mansion. The genie said, o.k. and it was done. He then reminded the man he had only one wish left and that his mother in law still got twice as much. with a smile on his face the man said beat me half to death.

[JIMINATOR]

Two Irishmen, called Seamus and Fergal, were walking through the woods one day when Seamus spotted a sign on a nearby tree.

Seamus read the sign which said "Tree fellers wanted".

Thinking for a while, Seamus turned to his friend and said, in his broad Irish accent ;

"'Tis a shame there's only two of us, Fergal!"

[NightBreed]

:rofl: :rofl:



Keep 'em comin, Jim !! :wootrock: :wootrock:

[<<Hybrid>>]

pfff :D
i loved that about bear and rabbit
and one about englishman, irishman ans scottish

[BobtheCkroach]

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

HPC's lawyers will be contacting you. That is a direct quote that he used in his sig for a long time! :P

[BobtheCkroach]

These reminded me of this joke....

A pirate walks into a bar. Connected to his zipper is an old-fashioned ship steering wheel, just like the ones in classics like Treasure Island. He walks to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender, somewhat confused says, "hey, do you know there's a steering wheel attached to your fly?"
...
...
...
<spoken in the traditional pirate tongue> Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts.

[FUS1ON]

Those were great, loved the one about the woman's goatee best :D

[Die Hard]

Some real great jokes in there Jim. I think I've snapped a rib! :funny:

[UncleSam]

:wootrock: :thumbs: :thumbs:

[Siron Ex]

Nice ones Jimmy :D

[Free Styler]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get r id of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."


lol and i mean literaly lol.maybe the bear is what made me laugh for so long but that's funy stuff

[krazy]

Those were great Jim :rofl: :thumbs: Still snickering