Monday Funny - A Rare Gorilla

[Die Hard]

London Zoo gets a new rare breed Gorilla. After a few days the ape looks unwell and is very quiet. They decide to have the vet give it the once over.

The vet soon arrives and quickly discovers that the Gorilla is on heat and really is in need of a mate. As it’s such a rare breed there is no other Gorilla in the zoo even close to this one.

However, the zoo does employ a large New Zealand guy and they decide to ask him if he will sleep with the Gorilla for £500. The guy says he will need to think about and will give them an answer the next day.

The next day he says OK I will do it but there are 3 conditions:

1. You must never tell anyone about this
2. I point blank refuse to kiss her
3. It’s going to take me about a week to raise the £500

[JIMINATOR]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man
seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but it was a damn good weekend".

[JIMINATOR]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old
drunken lady swigging her vodka as she sits alone at
a nearby table, when the wife asks --

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took
to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

[NightBreed]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it on again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

[NastyDawg]

LOL to allhttp://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif