BobtheCkroach
12-13-2006, 02:02 PM
George Carlin's New Rules for 2007
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a -hole . If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a -hole
.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I
don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying"
Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a -hole . If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a -hole
.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I
don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying"
Do you want fries with that?"