Jokes

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Lost in Home Depot



Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.


The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."



The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."


The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"


The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

BATON ROUGE DRIVERS....................... OFFICIAL FROM THE DEPT. OF MOTOR VEHICLES


1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Louisiana driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with SC, WV, or NC plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on t left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare the other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Louisiana during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, that doesn't mean that a Louisiana driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Louisiana is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in Louisiana to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turnsreen.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Louisiana driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In Louisiana, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

First Grade Oceanography

I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 7)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small.
(Kevin age 6)

There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.
(Russ age 5)

[Bingo]

Heh. I think many of those have been read by people in Florida.

Here's one I've always liked:

What's the smallest unit of measurable time?

The time between when the light turns green and the guy behind you starts honking his horn.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

lol yea it is !!!!!!!!!!!

[MORGANA]

LoL :D