BobtheCkroach
06-01-2007, 04:01 PM
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man ws in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.
She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic had to have three stitches in his forehead.
****
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
The professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finder in the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
****
Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill:
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints!"
****
SIGNS
Over a gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a podiatrists office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a septic tank: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
On another septic tank truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a church billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a plastic surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg - We want tows"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on it and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
At a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man ws in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.
She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic had to have three stitches in his forehead.
****
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
The professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finder in the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
****
Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill:
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints!"
****
SIGNS
Over a gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a podiatrists office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a septic tank: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
On another septic tank truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a church billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a plastic surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg - We want tows"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on it and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
At a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."