BobtheCkroach
07-18-2007, 01:32 PM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently. "WHAT!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move"
*****
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." She responds, "I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
*****
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"daaaaaad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. YOu had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Daaaaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later: "Daaaaaad...When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
*****
An exasperated mother, whose son was always making mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says "For Heaven's Sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"
*****
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn the light off when he asked with a tremor in his voice "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mom smiled and gave him a hug. "I can't dear", she said, "I have to sleep in Daddy's Room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky voice: "The big sissy."
*****
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress! It is your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron!"
*****
When I was 6 months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know, " the girl replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
*****
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. she came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read "and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said 'The sky is falling!'" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
*****
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." She responds, "I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
*****
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"daaaaaad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. YOu had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Daaaaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later: "Daaaaaad...When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
*****
An exasperated mother, whose son was always making mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says "For Heaven's Sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"
*****
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn the light off when he asked with a tremor in his voice "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mom smiled and gave him a hug. "I can't dear", she said, "I have to sleep in Daddy's Room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky voice: "The big sissy."
*****
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress! It is your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron!"
*****
When I was 6 months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know, " the girl replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
*****
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. she came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read "and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said 'The sky is falling!'" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.