ME BIGGD01
01-21-2009, 02:21 PM
Hey guys at GM and my family at DS.
I just want to say thanks to you all who sent flowers and other gifts to me and my family when my wife Angela passed away. The little things in life are extremely important and I am grateful to you all. Thank you.
As Pure said, the funeral was really huge. This whole thing happened so fast but when my wife called me and said come to the hospital she had to talk to me and I did she told me that everything was shutting down and there was nothing else they could do I was or became numb. It sucks because I knew things were just getting bad and it hurts to know that she just still wouldnt give up or believe she was going to die. When they told me that they were going to put her in Hospice I thought it was going to give us a little more time to where she will be just made comfortable. My heart was broken because the reality of it all and her own dealing with it all and thoughts about our daughter had to be dealt with. The first day there I took my daughter to see her. This was the day that we had to break the news to my daughter which will forever be scarred in my heart. My wife amzed me these past few years on her strength and will as I have dreaded it every single day since her diagnosis of cancer. Watching all that was happening and seeing my daughters heart break was way too much for me to handle but I still kept it all in and tried to show my wife it was all going to be ok.
In Hospice that one day was the last time I really got to see my wife alert. Between the drugs and the amount of visitors I really never got the last time with my wife which was frustrating. Before all of that my wife gave her wishes and what she wanted and I prepared with the help of her sister. She wanted to be near her Mom at Pinelawn. By luck there was a single spot in the mosoleum that I bought next to her moms spot. It's a beautiful place and well managed which helps since it's such a peaceful place. We told my wife that we got a place near her Mom and she was happy about that. She was so strong as I pretended to be through this process.
My wife lasted less than a week in Hospice. It was her wishes to be put in there rather have the nurses be at our house and deal with this all at home with my daughter. I had wished she was home but understand the reasoning. The place was like a 4 star hotel really and they catered to her every need. I hate they drugged her so much but I think I understand the goal was to make her completely comfortable. Ok I really don't understand it all but I know it is what it is. It hurt the last time I brought my daughter up there and my wife was up but asleep. Falling asleep as I showed her Jenna's report card with it in her hand just tore more from my heart. The last night Saturday I went up to see her and with a feeling things were coming to a close I tried to speak with my wife. Her eyes were closed but she was listening. I told her or tried that everything was going to be ok and I was going to be a good dad. I know her concern was about Jenna and I know how much she loved her. It breaks my heart that she would not get to see Jenna grow up and I know it broke hers also. I told my wife that I loved her and the words from my wife killed me as she was asking me what am I trying to say or if there was something I knew that she did not. Her last question to me was "am I going to die tomorrow?" I nearly fell down as it was apparent she was unaware or that she just would not give up trying to live. This is my last words with her as I replied I just want you to know everything is going to be ok.
I got the call the next morning at 7:15 to come as she was crossing over. My sister in law was there over night and also called me around 7:20. I put on my pants, went to brush my teeth and got this feeling I no longer had to rush there as I knew it was too late and she had passed. I drove there and that was it. My daughter was at my sisters house the night before so I delayed them to bring her home so I could talk to her and explain mommy was in heaven which is another scar in my heart.
That day I had to go to the funeral home and make all the arrangements. I made sure everything was perfect with the help of some family. I spared no cost as I wanted my wife to have a beautful ceremony. We had a 1 day viewing and was thankful I got the extra room as so many people came. They did a wonderful job with the makeup considering how the disease affected my wife and I was unsure if I would have an open casket. Our Church did a wonderful job and it was packed the day of the funeral to see my wife off. I was amazed and happy with the amount of people there. I know my wife was loved by everyone and it made me feel good I had everyone by my side at this time. The car line up was huge over 37 cars to Pinelawn and it all just reminded me how special my wife was not only to me but to this world.
Once everything was over I still got Jenna off to school and I waited a week to do anything. I decided to keep the holiday spirit for my daughter to keep her mind busy on other things. We celebrated Christmas the best way I could pull it off with a broken heart. At this time I was having some problems of my own as my balnce went off key and started losing my left leg to hold me up. I went to the Doctor as my tongue was competely numb and I had lost all taste. I thought it was due to stress and the doctor sent me for an MRI on my brain which I went to on Christmas Eve. After Chriistmas was over I had to go back to the doctor to get results.
Apperently in the MRI they found something on my brain near the brain stem which on the MRI report shows as a lesion and also that it was MS. They sent me to a neuro the next day and had to go through a series of tests. The doc said he did not think it was MS but a tumor. Ofcourse at this point I am scared to death as I am the only parent my daughter has. I went into an extreme depression and did not eat for 5 days. I had panic attacks that I thought was the end of time for me. All of this during the holiday season where no one seems to care and no doctors are calling you back as you wait for the insurance company to approve the additional tests I needed to take. After not getting any response I called a few friends and explained I needed help in which they took care of business and got me in with other doctors. I went to another Neuro who was very nice and seemed caring. She explained to me better and also felt it was not a tumor. She is part of some board where they looked at the MRI and thought the same and felt it was a lesion. Ofcourse I am still worried but this lady had me getting things done and had thorasic and cervical spine MRi's approved and appointment set in 2 days. I went and got them done and they came back good which made me feel better. She told me that I had to still wait for the office to get those tests done such as Spine tap and CT scan. I now wait for Febuary 3rd to get the spine tap which I am scared to death about. I await these things in the process of everything else and taking a lot better care of myself.
With all of this, I have to sit back and wait. All of my beliefs were thrown out the window and my faith is being tested. It makes no sense yet to me but I still continue and wait for the results before I make plans. I use to believe I was some tough son of a bitch who was indestructible and I am humbled with that along with how short life is. I have so many regrets now after losing my wife and it kills me how much I took for granted. It kills me how ignorant I was about life itself. I know I have always been a good person to the people around me but I think about those I did not give a chance to being stubborn. This whole experience has changed me so fast I am having a hard time dealing with it all. It's hard to make peace with yourself and God when you have to judge yourself. It's hard for me to explain myself but I understand I need to change almost everything the way I live my life. I sometimes think this may be the reason for all of this but regardless for the first time in my life I am trully scared about life and all for my daughter. It makes no sense.
Again thank you all for your prayers and respect to my family. I can't show you now how gratefull I am but I hope in the future I getthe chance.
I just want to say thanks to you all who sent flowers and other gifts to me and my family when my wife Angela passed away. The little things in life are extremely important and I am grateful to you all. Thank you.
As Pure said, the funeral was really huge. This whole thing happened so fast but when my wife called me and said come to the hospital she had to talk to me and I did she told me that everything was shutting down and there was nothing else they could do I was or became numb. It sucks because I knew things were just getting bad and it hurts to know that she just still wouldnt give up or believe she was going to die. When they told me that they were going to put her in Hospice I thought it was going to give us a little more time to where she will be just made comfortable. My heart was broken because the reality of it all and her own dealing with it all and thoughts about our daughter had to be dealt with. The first day there I took my daughter to see her. This was the day that we had to break the news to my daughter which will forever be scarred in my heart. My wife amzed me these past few years on her strength and will as I have dreaded it every single day since her diagnosis of cancer. Watching all that was happening and seeing my daughters heart break was way too much for me to handle but I still kept it all in and tried to show my wife it was all going to be ok.
In Hospice that one day was the last time I really got to see my wife alert. Between the drugs and the amount of visitors I really never got the last time with my wife which was frustrating. Before all of that my wife gave her wishes and what she wanted and I prepared with the help of her sister. She wanted to be near her Mom at Pinelawn. By luck there was a single spot in the mosoleum that I bought next to her moms spot. It's a beautiful place and well managed which helps since it's such a peaceful place. We told my wife that we got a place near her Mom and she was happy about that. She was so strong as I pretended to be through this process.
My wife lasted less than a week in Hospice. It was her wishes to be put in there rather have the nurses be at our house and deal with this all at home with my daughter. I had wished she was home but understand the reasoning. The place was like a 4 star hotel really and they catered to her every need. I hate they drugged her so much but I think I understand the goal was to make her completely comfortable. Ok I really don't understand it all but I know it is what it is. It hurt the last time I brought my daughter up there and my wife was up but asleep. Falling asleep as I showed her Jenna's report card with it in her hand just tore more from my heart. The last night Saturday I went up to see her and with a feeling things were coming to a close I tried to speak with my wife. Her eyes were closed but she was listening. I told her or tried that everything was going to be ok and I was going to be a good dad. I know her concern was about Jenna and I know how much she loved her. It breaks my heart that she would not get to see Jenna grow up and I know it broke hers also. I told my wife that I loved her and the words from my wife killed me as she was asking me what am I trying to say or if there was something I knew that she did not. Her last question to me was "am I going to die tomorrow?" I nearly fell down as it was apparent she was unaware or that she just would not give up trying to live. This is my last words with her as I replied I just want you to know everything is going to be ok.
I got the call the next morning at 7:15 to come as she was crossing over. My sister in law was there over night and also called me around 7:20. I put on my pants, went to brush my teeth and got this feeling I no longer had to rush there as I knew it was too late and she had passed. I drove there and that was it. My daughter was at my sisters house the night before so I delayed them to bring her home so I could talk to her and explain mommy was in heaven which is another scar in my heart.
That day I had to go to the funeral home and make all the arrangements. I made sure everything was perfect with the help of some family. I spared no cost as I wanted my wife to have a beautful ceremony. We had a 1 day viewing and was thankful I got the extra room as so many people came. They did a wonderful job with the makeup considering how the disease affected my wife and I was unsure if I would have an open casket. Our Church did a wonderful job and it was packed the day of the funeral to see my wife off. I was amazed and happy with the amount of people there. I know my wife was loved by everyone and it made me feel good I had everyone by my side at this time. The car line up was huge over 37 cars to Pinelawn and it all just reminded me how special my wife was not only to me but to this world.
Once everything was over I still got Jenna off to school and I waited a week to do anything. I decided to keep the holiday spirit for my daughter to keep her mind busy on other things. We celebrated Christmas the best way I could pull it off with a broken heart. At this time I was having some problems of my own as my balnce went off key and started losing my left leg to hold me up. I went to the Doctor as my tongue was competely numb and I had lost all taste. I thought it was due to stress and the doctor sent me for an MRI on my brain which I went to on Christmas Eve. After Chriistmas was over I had to go back to the doctor to get results.
Apperently in the MRI they found something on my brain near the brain stem which on the MRI report shows as a lesion and also that it was MS. They sent me to a neuro the next day and had to go through a series of tests. The doc said he did not think it was MS but a tumor. Ofcourse at this point I am scared to death as I am the only parent my daughter has. I went into an extreme depression and did not eat for 5 days. I had panic attacks that I thought was the end of time for me. All of this during the holiday season where no one seems to care and no doctors are calling you back as you wait for the insurance company to approve the additional tests I needed to take. After not getting any response I called a few friends and explained I needed help in which they took care of business and got me in with other doctors. I went to another Neuro who was very nice and seemed caring. She explained to me better and also felt it was not a tumor. She is part of some board where they looked at the MRI and thought the same and felt it was a lesion. Ofcourse I am still worried but this lady had me getting things done and had thorasic and cervical spine MRi's approved and appointment set in 2 days. I went and got them done and they came back good which made me feel better. She told me that I had to still wait for the office to get those tests done such as Spine tap and CT scan. I now wait for Febuary 3rd to get the spine tap which I am scared to death about. I await these things in the process of everything else and taking a lot better care of myself.
With all of this, I have to sit back and wait. All of my beliefs were thrown out the window and my faith is being tested. It makes no sense yet to me but I still continue and wait for the results before I make plans. I use to believe I was some tough son of a bitch who was indestructible and I am humbled with that along with how short life is. I have so many regrets now after losing my wife and it kills me how much I took for granted. It kills me how ignorant I was about life itself. I know I have always been a good person to the people around me but I think about those I did not give a chance to being stubborn. This whole experience has changed me so fast I am having a hard time dealing with it all. It's hard to make peace with yourself and God when you have to judge yourself. It's hard for me to explain myself but I understand I need to change almost everything the way I live my life. I sometimes think this may be the reason for all of this but regardless for the first time in my life I am trully scared about life and all for my daughter. It makes no sense.
Again thank you all for your prayers and respect to my family. I can't show you now how gratefull I am but I hope in the future I getthe chance.